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I've known for a while that my boss is extremely petty, immature and unprofessional. She is an older woman, turning 59 years old this month, and not work motivated at all. I've been working here since August 2019 and this was evident from the very beginning but I've been tolerating it because the pay is alright, this is better than my previous job and I'm allowed a few liberties.
The workplace is extremely unprofessional - this is a family business, we have a shop location and a warehouse (where I work) and it's only me, my boss and her son working at the warehouse. My boss never used to come in on time and would leave me waiting for her outside the warehouse in any and all weather for at least half an hour every day as she refused to give me a key, claiming she doesn't 'trust' me when I'd given her no reason not to, for nearly two years until she finally gave in and gave me a key back in May this year. Since then, she would come in one to two hours late, leaving me with all the workload until she decided that it was finally time to come in - obviously once all the harder tasks had been completed by me. She's had some family issues since around October last year, I believe, at which time she was caring for her 80 year old mother with Alzheimer's as her 85 year old father outright verbally abused the mother and refused to help her. During this time, my boss would offer to give me a ride to work and back home, which is generous of her and I always appreciated it, but she used it to guilt trip me into doing more work or work even harder, and I did. I went from dealing with parcels only (picking and packing) to preparing the shipments on top, doing customer service (telephone and email), stock checks and website uploads, along with anything else she could come up with - I was practically acting as her personal assistant, reminding her of appointments, loading her car whenever needed and unloading the groceries she would bring to stock the fridge (of which I would only use the milk for my morning coffee - everything else was for her to take home later on in the day and would ask me to bag it and put it in her car).
In the last few months, her father has been diagnosed with cancer, her mother's Alzheimer's has gotten significantly worse and, while I understand, my boss has left me in charge of the warehouse. It seems to me as though she's been preparing me for this - every few months, giving me more and more responsibility so she wouldn't have to come in at all. I don't appreciate that, though I can say I appreciate the freedom of being alone here. All the while, she will call me and text me constantly, asking me what I'm doing or what I've done all day, telling me what to do and just micro-managing me from afar. Keep in mind that, while I didn't at first follow this rule fully, my boss has a strict no-phone policy, yet she expects me to be at her beck and call on my personal phone all day, every day. I started being more strict with this rule (and with myself) a few months back, so I'm not really on my phone anymore, unless I need to reach her - and even then, I'm much more likely to use the work phone to do so.
On top of my boss, I also have to deal with her rude, borderline bipolar son with more personality issues than a net has holes. He will come in at whatever time he pleases, tell me what to do (even though I know exactly what I have to do, after all I've had this job for over two years), and leave right after. He's a 28 year old proper momma's boy - couldn't even tie his shoes by himself and my boss has been stressed over him taking over the company as she is now semi-retired. They constantly argue, whether they're both here or not. I've been witness to many a fight that broke out - fights that end with him verbally abusing her, her crying in the bathroom or throwing things at his head, and him screaming and throwing a tantrum, punching walls, doors and breaking anything he can reach. No, this is not an exaggeration. I've seen many broken boxes, stationery items and holes in walls and doors from punching.
All-around not a great environment to be around
Back to the main point, my boss has always found a way to get back at me for little things I do wrong. One of those things is days that I take off of work. I won't lie, I don't have the greatest attendance - what with taking at least one day a month off and being late in the mornings. In regard to that one day off a month, I'd explained to my boss many times that it was because of menstrual cramps (mine were so bad that I couldn't move and would almost cause me to throw up every single month) but I recently went on the pill which has put a stop to my periods so I no longer do that. And the being late, while it was a lot of the time due to the buses (wouldn't be the first time I'd wait an hour or two for a single bus), especially during COVID, I wasn't the best at getting up in the morning either. I've made efforts to change this, now waking up at 5:30 or 6am to be at work on time at 10am. I've even been arriving early nearly every day by 10-20 minutes. Either way, she would always point these things out and make passive-aggressive comments about my short-comings, all the while ignoring all the work I was putting in whilst I was actually working.
Recently, my sister got engaged and I am going to the wedding (obviously), but the wedding is in our home country. I initially asked for one day off - a Friday - but I will need more days there to get a passport done, so I asked for Wednesday and Thursday off too. I asked her over the phone and she seemed fine with it, simply asked me to text her the days so she wouldn't forget. I did so. About three months ago, I asked her for three weeks off in March 2022 for trip abroad (I do have a right to do this, as I'm sure you're all aware, and she said that it was fine but just to tell her once it was set in stone which I did last week), which gave her plenty of time in advance to get her affairs in order and all. She had complained at first about how we'll be receiving deliveries that time (which I'm pretty sure is not true, deliveries arrive in April) and she would rather I didn't take time off. She conceded, of course, but she didn't seem happy when I confirmed the dates last week. In fact, she commented today that I needed to tidy up the entire warehouse and how it's my responsibility 'especially since I want time off.' That comment did not sit well with me.
In addition, there was an incident last month where I was 100% sure she didn't pay me all of my wages. I brought it up with her and she said she'd check - which took her TWO WEEKS to do and I had to constantly remind her to update me and I did so at least three times before she even got into contact with the person that deals with calculating my wages each month. Turns out she missed quite a bit of my salary and, instead of paying me, she is withholding the money until she pays me at the end of this month. I'm sure this can't be allowed, right?
There is so much more to my time here that doesn't sit well with me - things I can't be bothered to bring up or can't remember anymore - and yes, I am looking for something else. Right now, I'm essentially stuck here because I can't start a new job and be like, 'by the way, I have three weeks off in March' and my parents are forcing me to stay here too, saying my boss is good to me and that the money is worth it (it's not). I've tried so hard to be nice to them, even giving them Christmas presents last year, and working weekends whenever needed or wanted, among other things, but I still feel like I'm treated unjustly.
Not sure what the point of writing this all down is, but I guess I just wanted to get it out there. I'm incredibly stressed out here and constantly thinking my boss is working against me because she wants petty revenge for the little things. I don't even know what to do until I get a new job after I come back from my holiday.

Hello! I'm a lesbian in her late 20s with short orange hair and a laugh like a dolphin. I'm pretty average with a lil tummy. I am mainly looking for a romantic relationship but would love friends as well! I've tried apps, but I'm not a fan of how superficial they are. I came out early quarantine so I haven't dated at all but I have spent a lot of time getting to know myself. I've also spent a lot of time in therapy, and expect the people in my life to have a decent level of emotional intelligence. Journaling, yoga, and/or meditation are part of my daily routine. Good oral hygiene is important to me.
I like to get high and read. I love books, especially queer books (please let me know if you have any recommendations!). High hikes with audiobooks are also a weekend usual for me. My favorite self care is bubbly baths with face and hair masks, candles, music, and 3 different drinks. I don't drink alcohol, I've been sober for a year and a half. I love painting. Nude women and cartoon/anime characters are my favorite things to paint. I also like embroidery and Nintendo switch games. My favorites are animal crossing, stardew, overcooked, and Mario Kart (which I am super down to play with you!).
I am not really into casual flings, but I am not looking for something very long term. I'm a paraprofessional in school to be an elementary school teacher, and I'm going to teach abroad when I'm done with school in 3ish years and don't know if I'll ever come back to this country. I want to get to know someone deeply but I need someone that doesn't have a problem with a slow responder. I'm a horrible texter, not really a phone person in general. I don't have any social media besides reddit. I want to get to know you but I can't talk every single day. I'm pretty introverted and also a strict vegetarian (no meat or dairy). I love cute and horror things in equal measure. I watch queer media almost exclusively.
Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone exists for me at this moment, but it feels nice to put something more specific out there! If you're interested, please message me :) I hope you have a great day and have happy holidays!

It’s time to return to the series Paul made famous by taking a body-condom dip into tropical poo water populated with penis-fish! Since the first two episodes serve to introduce each storyline’s central cast and chorus of doubters, they’ve been compressed into one super recap.
First up is 28 year-old Caleb from Chandler, AZ, who likes to travel the world taking selfies with protein powder while expanding his beanie collection. Tv is not something he really believes in, but it was the only opportunity for him to illustrate the perils of a brown zip-up sweater that makes you look like a Snickers bar in a person costume.
“I’ve agreed to go on a man-bun run with my shirt off, before crafting my own inkblot and meditating on myself.” Caleb, you’re doing great.
“I feel like I’m not good enough for you,” Darcey dry-cries.
“I would like to use my platform to raise awareness about a little known condition: Tarot blindness,” Caleb is ready. “This condition turns every card into a prolonged negotiation, until it’s coaxed towards a more palatable meaning. For example, this card features an elderly gentleman with a lantern, who is walking towards a self-illuminated path, alone. It reads, The Hermit. So I dunno, this could be about giraffes, interstate unicycle travel, watering recommendations for a ficus…I’m going to need a second tiny booklet.”
Three years ago Caleb added Russia to his vision board, and got busy exploring ass-getting abroad. On a matchmaking site he came across a familiar face in Alina #2, who has nothing in common with Alina #1 except a country and an unsolicited dick pic from Steven. Turns out they started chatting when they were 15, and Tom was one of their top five on myspace.
“Here’s a message from back then where the sparks were really flying,” Caleb holds our hand down memory lane. “She asks what I’m doing, and I respond ‘Homework, LOL’. Abbreviations were kind of our thing. It’s fate.”
“No fate but what you make,” Linda Hamilton is hear to carve wisdom into your picnic table.
Alina lives in St. Petersburg, and when 90DF catches up with her she’s fashioning a Game of Thrones crown to let everyone know winter is coming. She’s a little person, and her particular dwarfism makes it challenging for her to walk and hold things, but she’s made that wheelchair the steel horse she rides.
“Here’s a photo of me skydiving like it’s relaxing,” she shares.
“That sounds expensive,” everyone at home Ben and Jerry’s.
Alina’s an entertainer with an act called BFF Band, which has pushed her into the first ring of Usman. Alina’s the lead singer, and her two besties provide synchronized choreography and backing vocals so they can High School Musical the shit out of Russia’s bar scene.
“Ay-yi-yi! Ay-yi-yi! My pussy’s got WiFi!” We haven’t done enough to deserve this song from BFF Band, but I believe we can still do more.
“Coming at you with the remix, now, SOJA BOY!” You knew he was adjusting his sunglasses for this moment. “I want to be your lover-lover, you’re gonna bring that wifi-wifi!”
The MVP BFF of the aforementioned band is Elijah, who lives with Alina and helps her out with virtually everything, while sporting pink hair and avocado pajamas.
“How can we infect him with microplastics?” The 90DF producers are on the case. “This sincerity will not stand.”
Alina’s never dated a fellow little person, which is the only thing she and Caleb appear to have in common, and she plans to meet him in Turkey, the official host of 90DF’s Winter Games. She says that Caleb has never seen her walk and doesn’t have the full picture of her life, and so she’s worried that all of this will disappoint him.
“Don’t worry,” Caleb has a card for that. “As you can tell by the five of cups, I just think you’re short, like that Elena chick on Little Women LA.”
Alina heads out to visit her parents, who have agreed to express concern for the cameras. Mom frets about Alina’s mobility issues, and her daughter’s tendency to fall in love easily. Alina’s last flame was a South African dude she hooked up with in Russia. After they had a great time together she decided to visit him, and he refused to meet her, so she was stuck at the bar with Tania and her slurp-ahhhh for hours.
“It took a long time to get over that,” Alina sighs.
“Why do you think I made her sleep in the shed?” Tania’s mom has the answers.
Back in the second dimension, Caleb is drawing circles and squiggles.
“I’m going to say some words about science while reproducing a few Zener cards on paper,” Caleb begins. “I like to call my philosophy The Secret Four Agreements Men are from Sweat the Lean In of Attraction. Yeah, it all came out of this beanie. It’s still kinda damp.”
Caleb calls Alina because the cameras are right there and he already jogged, and she tells him the only way to appease her parents and keep the producers awake is to bring Elijah along. Caleb worries the third wheel will lower his dick like a kickstand instead of turning their bike into a trike, so he offers to stuff her into a front-facing baby carrier in a way that’s not humiliating at all. Then he asks what she’ll need help with, since they’ve talked about this exactly zero.
“I can’t wheel away from you if there are stairs,” Alina puts things into perspective.
“Why don’t you just jog?” Caleb is lost. “This is not bro code. This is bro, no.”
Caleb needs to produce his own doubters or the crew is never going to buy his doterra oils, and apparently he thinks it’s no big deal that his dad is Colonel Sanders.
“I was raised with conservative family values, which should explain the massive altar to Baphomet in my doorway,” Caleb says. “I’ve also been taught the importance of eating out of buckets.”
“The secret is in the spices,” the Colonel is ready.
“Caleb doesn’t usually date people,” Caleb’s mom spreads awareness. “They’re not born to the spice as we were.”
Though Caleb talks about his parents as not down to clown, they both seem to think it’s on-brand for him to distance-date a Russian dwarf, and keep it under wraps until it comes time to camera-shock them.
“I know better than to say anything,” Caleb’s mom is an outlier. “I just set aside some bail money, get a disposable cell phone, and wait.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” The Colonel buckles under scrutiny.
Alina and Elijah are airport bound and determined to give us the buddy comedy we’ve been begging for. Elijah helps her select outfits that might impress Caleb, including a “killer” dress endorsement, and Alina scoots around on a magical, colorful wheeled stool.
“This fierce bitch is going to be on another season,” Elijah knows.
They head to the airport, and en route Alina gives Elijah a detailed lust report on the romance she’s hoping to find in baggage claim. Meanwhile, Caleb shares how he achieved diamond fitness coach status through Beach Body thanks to protein powder, in case you want to join his team. Then he stuffs a big box of Magnums into his suitcase, so we know he believes in himself.
Post-flight Alina and Elijah arrive at the hotel, and discover that Caleb has booked them a second-floor room in a place without an elevator.
“We definitely didn’t do this,” production can’t help themselves. “We also don’t have an intern in the freight elevator, pushing all the buttons at the same time.”
A second floor suite with one way up is challenging for most people with luggage, and Alina is forced to lean against the wall for balance, while Elijah and a bellhop help with her bags. To add another layer of vulnerability, she must leave her wheelchair downstairs. This is a lot to deal with after a flight in a foreign country, and it makes Alina nervous and annoyed, because it’s clear Eljah hasn’t been listening to her.
The next day Alina requests that Elijah wheel her ass into the airport before leaving her there, because she really wants their first meeting to be just the two of them. Elijah is reluctant, because she still doesn’t know what this guy is like in person. He still agrees, then tosses her into the back of the cab like he works in baggage claim.
“If he hurts her, I’ll whoop his ass,” Elijah promises an amazing finale, and I’d like to place this crisp Abraham Lincoln on Elijah before things get swampy in the betting pool.
Over in San Diego, Kim is a 50 year-old caregiver for an extensive collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia.
“I call him My Mikey,” Kim begins. “That was the first relationship I had where I said to myself, ‘If something seems one-sided or off, just ignore it’. He doesn’t even have to send love letters for me to read them.”
The crown jewel is an autographed fedora from the Billy Jean era that Kim hoped would arrive with evidence of Jackson’s burn accident attached.
“He did write the name and phone number of the guy who played Turbo in Breakin’,” Kim adds. Then she does a slow backwards shuffle so that Turbo knows the evolution of his broom dance.
The two most important people in Kim’s life are her mom and her smoking hot son Jamal, who isn’t on screen long enough, so please sign my petition to right this wrong. Kim was with Jamal’s father for 20 years, he cheated, and she’s had a lackluster love life ever since. Who could possibly understand this turmoil? SOJA BOY!
“I think this song is about Ari,” Kim is taking us with her on a joyride, so she can demonstrate the influence of Usman’s infectious grooves. “It’s about the relationship he’s always wanted. It’s titled I Will Call You, Girl.”
Cut to Usman’s latest music video, styled with a post-Lisa budget:
I want you in my life! I can even grow my hair out too, if it means I can be with you, and live off your parents too. You call and say where? and I say right here, and you call again and I stay right here, things are right here, We can’t wait a year, let’s make something k-1derful! Yeah!
“You kind of got into that,” Kim is concerned, and she should be.
Kim says she discovered Usman on social media, after she messaged him and asked if he was interested in a second season, and now she’s never been happier. She plans to travel to Tanzania to rendezvous with him while he shoots his new music video, Zara, about the last woman he was in love with. Since 90DF happily shares photos of Zara, it’s safe to assume we’ll be seeing her later. The only issue Kim sees is their age difference.
“Milk does a body good, but only for so long,” Kim healthies.
“Butter is good for your brain,” original dairy queen Trish just wants to remind you that she’s also a nutritionist.
Kim also sees difficulty in pulling the shrapnel of his relationship with Lisa out of his back.
“I’m a thousand times better than her,” Kim reports the obvious.
“Started from the bottom now I’m here,” Usman agrees.
The Doubters for her story include mom Sally, who wants Kim to be herself, and not morph into someone he wants. Sally is bedridden with rheumatoid arthritis, but she’s still strong enough to dust off her ass-whooping wooden spoon if Usman does Kim dirty. Kim also has a pair of frowning friends with similar thoughts but a meaner delivery, and they’re ready when Kim shows up at the beach and briefly gets her mask tangled in her earrings.
“The bigger the hoops, the bigger the ho,” Kim’s friend explains San Diego’s rich cultural heritage.
Kim tells her friends that Lisa inspired Usman to need a lot of time alone, so they’ll be sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Her official designation is “potential” girlfriend, but Kim considers them to be dating. This soft title seems like a good idea for someone meeting someone for the first time, but the friends still find this scandalous and openly laugh at her.
“We either give her a hard time for taking risks, or a hard time for not pushing herself more,” Friend A explains how things work.
Kim says that if she and Usman get together, she’ll respect his culture and allow him to choose a second wife so he can have children. Timeout: She’s cool with multiple ladies, but divorced over cheating? I have questions. Still, this solution is tame by 90DF standards, after several seasons of women insisting the biological clock is a myth and that childbirth is possible post-menopause, so long as they can harvest an egg from an unwilling daughter for biological brownie points.
“I’m gonna meet him and see what happens. That’s how I feel.” Kim closes the case with her friends, and is en route to Tanzania.
Since we last saw Usman he’s been crowned King of Africa, and his entourage is intent on keeping him focused on his autotuner and the music they create together. His crew is baffled by his romantic choices, and they think it’s bad for his brand to walk around with older white lady #2. But they know participation in this means 90DF is about to play the high-holy shit out of this song.
“Do you like that ear worm?” Dammit, Usman. “That fi-yah fi-yah? What King doesn’t want to conquer the world?”
“He’s my second king,” Kim never forgets Michael. “Usman’s crown is still paper, but we’ll see.”
Gino is a 51 year-old engineer with a giggle habit, from a place in Michigan where only one Circle K agreed to play the part of pharmacy.
“Do you have any lotion for couples,” Gina asks the clerk who is now a pharmacist. “Otherwise I’ll have to foreplay, whatever that is.” He then giggles through an uncomfortable admission that he’s done the s-e-x before, which is awkward for anyone wearing an age-deflection hat.
Gino’s ex-wife is Brazilian, so this is not his first K1 or gas station K-Y. It’s also not his first or last gas station meal, as he regularly injects 1600 grams of sodium into his lanky frame, courtesy of microwave cuisine.
“Fuck my kidneys,” Gino’s philosophy has layers. “This meat-like substance reminds me of prison. SO good.”
His bro and sis-in-law come over, and Bro asks if Jasmine’s aware of his baldness, and Gino says that’s impossible with his clever disguise. They’re also concerned about the number of procedures and treatments Gino has paid for, including implants and injections, dental work and hair extensions, but Gino doesn’t see the problem so long as he can fuck with this hat on.
The biggest problem between these two is Jasmine’s jealousy, and her demands to know Gino’s whereabouts at all times. A simple task like picking up carry-out requires telling Jasmine his route, introducing her to the cashier, apologizing for the tip, and then apologizing for other women existing, before waiting for the opportunity to apologize for the same things again.
“Who are you talking to?” Jasmine repels down from the sky.
Gino’s father died a year ago, which made Gino closer to his uncle, who has taken on a more fatherly role, like doubting this relationship.
“You’re gonna wake up in the next room on a roofie!” Uncle Marco announces.
“Don’t yell,” Auntie is not having it.
“You need to get a prenup to protect your unemployment checks!” Uncle Marco plays defense.
“I’m cheap,” Gino explains. “I don’t even eat actual food. I probably have a bazillion trillion dollars.”
Uncle Marco is tearful and sincere in his worry as he drives Gino to the airport, and says he’s hoping for the best. “I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking right now,” Uncle Marco says, and Gino giggles, because that’s his thing.
Jasmine is 34 and lives in Panaama City, where she sometimes wears glasses and teaches American literature. Despite her career, her contract stipulates that she must play the “spicy Latina” trope, which means referencing herself as “untameable” while demanding Gino call her from the toilet to report whether it’s one or two. She has an older son who lives with his dad, and a younger son that usually lives with her. This son has an unspecified medical condition that made city life during extended COVID lockdown especially hard on him, so he went to live in the country with her mother for awhile, and Jasmine misses him.
Jasmine got sick of dating dudes that just want to bang one out, so she was happy to meet an older gent from the US with gainful employment and a willingness to talk to her like he’s about to choo-choo a spoonful of pureed carrots into her mouth.
“Who is my bonita?” Gino Lady Elaine Fairchilds. “Woobity woober doos! Who has your nose? Ah! Whose nose is this? Did I pick your nose? I DID!”
This voicemail message from Gino is enough to send Jasmine squealing, and so she puts on Angela’s reunion outfit and heads for a hotel so they can have a private night. Jasmine claims she’s never seen him without his “stupid hat,” and he’d better have some antlers or extra ears tucked under there for the attachment he shows to that Make a Wish look.
At the hotel she unpacks and shows off lingerie in his favorite color, and talks about her plans to fuck him to death, while the callous 90DF producers don’t lift a finger to report this threat. While the crew works out whether they’re expected to help hide the body and what the legal implications might be, Jasmine’s friend Grasil arrives with a Mary Poppins bag to help decorate the room. Jasmine suggests firing rose petrals out of a cannon until they fall perfectly in the shape of a G and a J, while she snacks on a candle.
Jasmine reveals to Grasil that he lied about his age at first, until once again his clever disguise betrayed him and outed his fifty-something status. Grasil reminds Jasmine that if he lied about one thing he could have lied about a lot, and Jasmine assures her that she’s got a camera in the back of his freezer and a tracking device on his car.
“You’re welcome.” Rebecca PI, just stopping by.
Jasmine glides into the airport like an ice skater, and never in the history of this show has anyone prepared to meet their gringo with such enthusiasm. Gino’s plane lands and they have a happy embrace, and slam each others uvulas around for romance. As they drive in Panama Gino notes how beautiful it is, and Jasmine adds that this city has given him “all this” which he agrees is amazing.
“Let me see your face,” Jasmine is ready for Gino. “Let me see your teeth. My little shark.”
“Lips and teeth are like, my thing.” Hang on Memphis!
Anyway, dude has a bow on an electric toothbrush, and this is a gift he gives Jasmine. On purpose. She manages to not meltdown over the least romantic gift in the history of giving, as Gino explains how exhausting toothbrushing can be without assistance from science.
Since he can’t quit with the romance or the reliance on Circle K, Gino also has a slightly battered pregnancy test, so they can check if she’s pregnant before he leaves. Gino says he’s been really looking forward to children, and apparently Jasmine’s kids don’t count. Jasmine is not racing towards contractions with the speed of the man who doesn’t have to carry it, and is covertly popping BC pills instead. She’s not looking forward to confessing this little secret, but first she has to use the lube to pry the hat from his head, before rose petals get smashed into strange places.
This season also includes not one but two Little Mermaid relationships, where the couple doesn’t let a total inability to communicate slow the wedding plans.
Memphis is a nurse practitioner from Michigan, raising two children as a single mom. She takes her friends Kristie and Kesha lingerie shopping, because it’s best to decide your pre-sex attire by committee. She walks out with her lady parts making direct contact with the garment, and a woman with a German accent belays down from the roof to report an underthings infraction. That means that outfit #2, a tribute to the Matrix, is trotted out with bring pink day-drawers on full display, while Memphis holds her boobs in.
“You need a whip,” Kesha chants, to show her support for dominatrix attire.
The man for Memphis is Hamza, a resident of Tunisia, where appearances on 90DF are advertised like employment. She likes that he’s considerate, and does things like read sentiment that doesn’t address her specifically off a teleprompter, and send generic texts at the same time every day. He doesn’t speak a lick of English, but Hamza knows this doesn’t matter.
“I am not in this for the conversation,” Memphis believes.
What brings them together is “sexy time,” which involves Memphis donning an assortment of showercap crowns of seduction, before indulging in routine ass-washing.
“Oh,” Hamza offers.
Despite having two kids and no idea what this dude is like in person, Memphis is determined to marry him the second week of this three week adventure. While talking it out with Kesha and Kristie, she returns to the importance of morning texts again, and will someone please introduce Memphis to a programmer?
“Teeth and lips are like my thing,” Memphis declares, immediately dismissing anyone with half a face.
Kesha expresses concern about how quickly this is moving, and the potential for Memphis to be used. This is generic 90DF sentiment, but Kesha knows the complexities of Memphis’ past, and why that makes her more fragile when it comes to love.
Memphis’ mom has a history with addiction that left her shuffling between 12 different foster homes. Now that Memphis is an adult they’re trying to have a relationship, and she knows the foundation is baked goods. While mom gets busy crafting cupcakes, Memphis says that she told Hamza that if he comes to the US he’s getting a job, because otherwise she’ll just continue to support him. Memphis adds that with the money she pulls in she can afford this for awhile, and mom reminds her that she doesn’t know what his monthly comic books and candy demands are just yet. Mom wants to know if Hamza is ready to be a stepdad, and Memphis says that she can tell by how they’ve never had a coherant conversation that it’s going to be fine.
“Even with addiction, I made sure you had everything,” Memphis’ mom actually says. “Like 12 different foster homes.”
Memphis says that pretending everything is fine is how her mother copes with their past, and Memphis uses a similar skill to maintain sunny optimism about her non-speaking relationship with a man in another country.
Before hitting the airport, Memphis makes a stop at her foster sister Ingrid’s house for some goodbye bacon and mutual hair admiration.Ingrid has the right amount of suspicion about the whole relationship, and says that Hamza doesn’t really know Memphis, or her tendency to be an impulsive hothead. When Memphis suggests Ingrid should trust because she’s seen them interact, Ingrid is quick to remind her that silently staring at each other isn’t a sufficient measure of compatibility. Memphis insists that Hamza doesn’t need to know anything about her ex, even if she did spend a few nights at his house when they first start dating.
“So you’re going to tell him when there’s a lull in your story?” Ingrid has seen this show before.
“What?” It’s okay, Hamza, just keep having lips and teeth.
Mike is a lego-building volunteer firefighter who lives with his dad and grandpa. When he’s not constructing off-road vehicles with colorful blocks, dad and grandpa micromanage him from the kitchen table, while he racks up demerits for inadequate pancakes.
Mike says that he’s made a few attempts at finding love, but hasn’t successfully paired up with someone since high school. So he switched his location to Colombia, and met Ximena. Mike and his taller but younger brother Steven talk about this at the firehouse, and Mike insists that he knows her fairly well, even with language barriers. Steven notes that it’s the happiest Mike’s been since his mom died 9 years ago. Mike also trusts her completely, and stands by this assertion in the face of his doubting brother, because she asks him if he remembered to feed himself on a regular basis.
“That’s not a girlfriend,” his brother Steven interjects. “That’s a mom.”
While Gino prefers to pretend Jasmine’s kids are an illusion, Mike is going to a toy store to introduce himself to Ximena’s kids in style. The shopkeeper is going to receive TMI whether she likes it or not, and is sporting an outfit in an assortment of colors and patterns that’s remarkably similar to one I fashioned for my last edibles purchase.
“They should be happy with the toys, anyway,” The shopkeeper burns. “And if it doesn’t work out, I hope he gets a good cup of coffee anyhow.”
NEXT TIME: Gino questions his decision to bring a pregnancy test when Jasmine acts like a child, Memphis learns that she and her lingerie will not be sharing a room with Hamza, Usman’s friends start shit with Kim, and Ximena could be a no-show at the airport, or simply hiding around the corner with questions about his meal history.
Thank you, Patreons! Happy Holidays! patreon.com/fractalfay

It’s time to return to the series Paul made famous by taking a body-condom dip into tropical poo water populated with penis-fish! Since the first two episodes serve to introduce each storyline’s central cast and chorus of doubters, they’ve been compressed into one super recap.
First up is 28 year-old Caleb from Chandler, AZ, who likes to travel the world taking selfies with protein powder while expanding his beanie collection. Tv is not something he really believes in, but it was the only opportunity for him to illustrate the perils of a brown zip-up sweater that makes you look like a Snickers bar in a person costume.
“I’ve agreed to go on a man-bun run with my shirt off, before crafting my own inkblot and meditating on myself.” Caleb, you’re doing great.
“I feel like I’m not good enough for you,” Darcey dry-cries.
“I would like to use my platform to raise awareness about a little known condition: Tarot blindness,” Caleb is ready. “This condition turns every card into a prolonged negotiation, until it’s coaxed towards a more palatable meaning. For example, this card features an elderly gentleman with a lantern, who is walking towards a self-illuminated path, alone. It reads, The Hermit. So I dunno, this could be about giraffes, interstate unicycle travel, watering recommendations for a ficus…I’m going to need a second tiny booklet.”
Three years ago Caleb added Russia to his vision board, and got busy exploring ass-getting abroad. On a matchmaking site he came across a familiar face in Alina #2, who has nothing in common with Alina #1 except a country and an unsolicited dick pic from Steven. Turns out they started chatting when they were 15, and Tom was one of their top five on myspace.
“Here’s a message from back then where the sparks were really flying,” Caleb holds our hand down memory lane. “She asks what I’m doing, and I respond ‘Homework, LOL’. Abbreviations were kind of our thing. It’s fate.”
“No fate but what you make,” Linda Hamilton is hear to carve wisdom into your picnic table.
Alina lives in St. Petersburg, and when 90DF catches up with her she’s fashioning a Game of Thrones crown to let everyone know winter is coming. She’s a little person, and her particular dwarfism makes it challenging for her to walk and hold things, but she’s made that wheelchair the steel horse she rides.
“Here’s a photo of me skydiving like it’s relaxing,” she shares.
“That sounds expensive,” everyone at home Ben and Jerry’s.
Alina’s an entertainer with an act called BFF Band, which has pushed her into the first ring of Usman. Alina’s the lead singer, and her two besties provide synchronized choreography and backing vocals so they can High School Musical the shit out of Russia’s bar scene.
“Ay-yi-yi! Ay-yi-yi! My pussy’s got WiFi!” We haven’t done enough to deserve this song from BFF Band, but I believe we can still do more.
“Coming at you with the remix, now, SOJA BOY!” You knew he was adjusting his sunglasses for this moment. “I want to be your lover-lover, you’re gonna bring that wifi-wifi!”
The MVP BFF of the aforementioned band is Elijah, who lives with Alina and helps her out with virtually everything, while sporting pink hair and avocado pajamas.
“How can we infect him with microplastics?” The 90DF producers are on the case. “This sincerity will not stand.”
Alina’s never dated a fellow little person, which is the only thing she and Caleb appear to have in common, and she plans to meet him in Turkey, the official host of 90DF’s Winter Games. She says that Caleb has never seen her walk and doesn’t have the full picture of her life, and so she’s worried that all of this will disappoint him.
“Don’t worry,” Caleb has a card for that. “As you can tell by the five of cups, I just think you’re short, like that Elena chick on Little Women LA.”
Alina heads out to visit her parents, who have agreed to express concern for the cameras. Mom frets about Alina’s mobility issues, and her daughter’s tendency to fall in love easily. Alina’s last flame was a South African dude she hooked up with in Russia. After they had a great time together she decided to visit him, and he refused to meet her, so she was stuck at the bar with Tania and her slurp-ahhhh for hours.
“It took a long time to get over that,” Alina sighs.
“Why do you think I made her sleep in the shed?” Tania’s mom has the answers.
Back in the second dimension, Caleb is drawing circles and squiggles.
“I’m going to say some words about science while reproducing a few Zener cards on paper,” Caleb begins. “I like to call my philosophy The Secret Four Agreements Men are from Sweat the Lean In of Attraction. Yeah, it all came out of this beanie. It’s still kinda damp.”
Caleb calls Alina because the cameras are right there and he already jogged, and she tells him the only way to appease her parents and keep the producers awake is to bring Elijah along. Caleb worries the third wheel will lower his dick like a kickstand instead of turning their bike into a trike, so he offers to stuff her into a front-facing baby carrier in a way that’s not humiliating at all. Then he asks what she’ll need help with, since they’ve talked about this exactly zero.
“I can’t wheel away from you if there are stairs,” Alina puts things into perspective.
“Why don’t you just jog?” Caleb is lost. “This is not bro code. This is bro, no.”
Caleb needs to produce his own doubters or the crew is never going to buy his doterra oils, and apparently he thinks it’s no big deal that his dad is Colonel Sanders.
“I was raised with conservative family values, which should explain the massive altar to Baphomet in my doorway,” Caleb says. “I’ve also been taught the importance of eating out of buckets.”
“The secret is in the spices,” the Colonel is ready.
“Caleb doesn’t usually date people,” Caleb’s mom spreads awareness. “They’re not born to the spice as we were.”
Though Caleb talks about his parents as not down to clown, they both seem to think it’s on-brand for him to distance-date a Russian dwarf, and keep it under wraps until it comes time to camera-shock them.
“I know better than to say anything,” Caleb’s mom is an outlier. “I just set aside some bail money, get a disposable cell phone, and wait.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” The Colonel buckles under scrutiny.
Alina and Elijah are airport bound and determined to give us the buddy comedy we’ve been begging for. Elijah helps her select outfits that might impress Caleb, including a “killer” dress endorsement, and Alina scoots around on a magical, colorful wheeled stool.
“This fierce bitch is going to be on another season,” Elijah knows.
They head to the airport, and en route Alina gives Elijah a detailed lust report on the romance she’s hoping to find in baggage claim. Meanwhile, Caleb shares how he achieved diamond fitness coach status through Beach Body thanks to protein powder, in case you want to join his team. Then he stuffs a big box of Magnums into his suitcase, so we know he believes in himself.
Post-flight Alina and Elijah arrive at the hotel, and discover that Caleb has booked them a second-floor room in a place without an elevator.
“We definitely didn’t do this,” production can’t help themselves. “We also don’t have an intern in the freight elevator, pushing all the buttons at the same time.”
A second floor suite with one way up is challenging for most people with luggage, and Alina is forced to lean against the wall for balance, while Elijah and a bellhop help with her bags. To add another layer of vulnerability, she must leave her wheelchair downstairs. This is a lot to deal with after a flight in a foreign country, and it makes Alina nervous and annoyed, because it’s clear Eljah hasn’t been listening to her.
The next day Alina requests that Elijah wheel her ass into the airport before leaving her there, because she really wants their first meeting to be just the two of them. Elijah is reluctant, because she still doesn’t know what this guy is like in person. He still agrees, then tosses her into the back of the cab like he works in baggage claim.
“If he hurts her, I’ll whoop his ass,” Elijah promises an amazing finale, and I’d like to place this crisp Abraham Lincoln on Elijah before things get swampy in the betting pool.
Over in San Diego, Kim is a 50 year-old caregiver for an extensive collection of Michael Jackson memorabilia.
“I call him My Mikey,” Kim begins. “That was the first relationship I had where I said to myself, ‘If something seems one-sided or off, just ignore it’. He doesn’t even have to send love letters for me to read them.”
The crown jewel is an autographed fedora from the Billy Jean era that Kim hoped would arrive with evidence of Jackson’s burn accident attached.
“He did write the name and phone number of the guy who played Turbo in Breakin’,” Kim adds. Then she does a slow backwards shuffle so that Turbo knows the evolution of his broom dance.
The two most important people in Kim’s life are her mom and her smoking hot son Jamal, who isn’t on screen long enough, so please sign my petition to right this wrong. Kim was with Jamal’s father for 20 years, he cheated, and she’s had a lackluster love life ever since. Who could possibly understand this turmoil? SOJA BOY!
“I think this song is about Ari,” Kim is taking us with her on a joyride, so she can demonstrate the influence of Usman’s infectious grooves. “It’s about the relationship he’s always wanted. It’s titled I Will Call You, Girl.”
Cut to Usman’s latest music video, styled with a post-Lisa budget:
I want you in my life! I can even grow my hair out too, if it means I can be with you, and live off your parents too. You call and say where? and I say right here, and you call again and I stay right here, things are right here, We can’t wait a year, let’s make something k-1derful! Yeah!
“You kind of got into that,” Kim is concerned, and she should be.
Kim says she discovered Usman on social media, after she messaged him and asked if he was interested in a second season, and now she’s never been happier. She plans to travel to Tanzania to rendezvous with him while he shoots his new music video, Zara, about the last woman he was in love with. Since 90DF happily shares photos of Zara, it’s safe to assume we’ll be seeing her later. The only issue Kim sees is their age difference.
“Milk does a body good, but only for so long,” Kim healthies.
“Butter is good for your brain,” original dairy queen Trish just wants to remind you that she’s also a nutritionist.
Kim also sees difficulty in pulling the shrapnel of his relationship with Lisa out of his back.
“I’m a thousand times better than her,” Kim reports the obvious.
“Started from the bottom now I’m here,” Usman agrees.
The Doubters for her story include mom Sally, who wants Kim to be herself, and not morph into someone he wants. Sally is bedridden with rheumatoid arthritis, but she’s still strong enough to dust off her ass-whooping wooden spoon if Usman does Kim dirty. Kim also has a pair of frowning friends with similar thoughts but a meaner delivery, and they’re ready when Kim shows up at the beach and briefly gets her mask tangled in her earrings.
“The bigger the hoops, the bigger the ho,” Kim’s friend explains San Diego’s rich cultural heritage.
Kim tells her friends that Lisa inspired Usman to need a lot of time alone, so they’ll be sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Her official designation is “potential” girlfriend, but Kim considers them to be dating. This soft title seems like a good idea for someone meeting someone for the first time, but the friends still find this scandalous and openly laugh at her.
“We either give her a hard time for taking risks, or a hard time for not pushing herself more,” Friend A explains how things work.
Kim says that if she and Usman get together, she’ll respect his culture and allow him to choose a second wife so he can have children. Timeout: She’s cool with multiple ladies, but divorced over cheating? I have questions. Still, this solution is tame by 90DF standards, after several seasons of women insisting the biological clock is a myth and that childbirth is possible post-menopause, so long as they can harvest an egg from an unwilling daughter for biological brownie points.
“I’m gonna meet him and see what happens. That’s how I feel.” Kim closes the case with her friends, and is en route to Tanzania.
Since we last saw Usman he’s been crowned King of Africa, and his entourage is intent on keeping him focused on his autotuner and the music they create together. His crew is baffled by his romantic choices, and they think it’s bad for his brand to walk around with older white lady #2. But they know participation in this means 90DF is about to play the high-holy shit out of this song.
“Do you like that ear worm?” Dammit, Usman. “That fi-yah fi-yah? What King doesn’t want to conquer the world?”
“He’s my second king,” Kim never forgets Michael. “Usman’s crown is still paper, but we’ll see.”
Gino is a 51 year-old engineer with a giggle habit, from a place in Michigan where only one Circle K agreed to play the part of pharmacy.
“Do you have any lotion for couples,” Gina asks the clerk who is now a pharmacist. “Otherwise I’ll have to foreplay, whatever that is.” He then giggles through an uncomfortable admission that he’s done the s-e-x before, which is awkward for anyone wearing an age-deflection hat.
Gino’s ex-wife is Brazilian, so this is not his first K1 or gas station K-Y. It’s also not his first or last gas station meal, as he regularly injects 1600 grams of sodium into his lanky frame, courtesy of microwave cuisine.
“Fuck my kidneys,” Gino’s philosophy has layers. “This meat-like substance reminds me of prison. SO good.”
His bro and sis-in-law come over, and Bro asks if Jasmine’s aware of his baldness, and Gino says that’s impossible with his clever disguise. They’re also concerned about the number of procedures and treatments Gino has paid for, including implants and injections, dental work and hair extensions, but Gino doesn’t see the problem so long as he can fuck with this hat on.
The biggest problem between these two is Jasmine’s jealousy, and her demands to know Gino’s whereabouts at all times. A simple task like picking up carry-out requires telling Jasmine his route, introducing her to the cashier, apologizing for the tip, and then apologizing for other women existing, before waiting for the opportunity to apologize for the same things again.
“Who are you talking to?” Jasmine repels down from the sky.
Gino’s father died a year ago, which made Gino closer to his uncle, who has taken on a more fatherly role, like doubting this relationship.
“You’re gonna wake up in the next room on a roofie!” Uncle Marco announces.
“Don’t yell,” Auntie is not having it.
“You need to get a prenup to protect your unemployment checks!” Uncle Marco plays defense.
“I’m cheap,” Gino explains. “I don’t even eat actual food. I probably have a bazillion trillion dollars.”
Uncle Marco is tearful and sincere in his worry as he drives Gino to the airport, and says he’s hoping for the best. “I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking right now,” Uncle Marco says, and Gino giggles, because that’s his thing.
Jasmine is 34 and lives in Panaama City, where she sometimes wears glasses and teaches American literature. Despite her career, her contract stipulates that she must play the “spicy Latina” trope, which means referencing herself as “untameable” while demanding Gino call her from the toilet to report whether it’s one or two. She has an older son who lives with his dad, and a younger son that usually lives with her. This son has an unspecified medical condition that made city life during extended COVID lockdown especially hard on him, so he went to live in the country with her mother for awhile, and Jasmine misses him.
Jasmine got sick of dating dudes that just want to bang one out, so she was happy to meet an older gent from the US with gainful employment and a willingness to talk to her like he’s about to choo-choo a spoonful of pureed carrots into her mouth.
“Who is my bonita?” Gino Lady Elaine Fairchilds. “Woobity woober doos! Who has your nose? Ah! Whose nose is this? Did I pick your nose? I DID!”
This voicemail message from Gino is enough to send Jasmine squealing, and so she puts on Angela’s reunion outfit and heads for a hotel so they can have a private night. Jasmine claims she’s never seen him without his “stupid hat,” and he’d better have some antlers or extra ears tucked under there for the attachment he shows to that Make a Wish look.
At the hotel she unpacks and shows off lingerie in his favorite color, and talks about her plans to fuck him to death, while the callous 90DF producers don’t lift a finger to report this threat. While the crew works out whether they’re expected to help hide the body and what the legal implications might be, Jasmine’s friend Grasil arrives with a Mary Poppins bag to help decorate the room. Jasmine suggests firing rose petrals out of a cannon until they fall perfectly in the shape of a G and a J, while she snacks on a candle.
Jasmine reveals to Grasil that he lied about his age at first, until once again his clever disguise betrayed him and outed his fifty-something status. Grasil reminds Jasmine that if he lied about one thing he could have lied about a lot, and Jasmine assures her that she’s got a camera in the back of his freezer and a tracking device on his car.
“You’re welcome.” Rebecca PI, just stopping by.
Jasmine glides into the airport like an ice skater, and never in the history of this show has anyone prepared to meet their gringo with such enthusiasm. Gino’s plane lands and they have a happy embrace, and slam each others uvulas around for romance. As they drive in Panama Gino notes how beautiful it is, and Jasmine adds that this city has given him “all this” which he agrees is amazing.
“Let me see your face,” Jasmine is ready for Gino. “Let me see your teeth. My little shark.”
“Lips and teeth are like, my thing.” Hang on Memphis!
Anyway, dude has a bow on an electric toothbrush, and this is a gift he gives Jasmine. On purpose. She manages to not meltdown over the least romantic gift in the history of giving, as Gino explains how exhausting toothbrushing can be without assistance from science.
Since he can’t quit with the romance or the reliance on Circle K, Gino also has a slightly battered pregnancy test, so they can check if she’s pregnant before he leaves. Gino says he’s been really looking forward to children, and apparently Jasmine’s kids don’t count. Jasmine is not racing towards contractions with the speed of the man who doesn’t have to carry it, and is covertly popping BC pills instead. She’s not looking forward to confessing this little secret, but first she has to use the lube to pry the hat from his head, before rose petals get smashed into strange places.
This season also includes not one but two Little Mermaid relationships, where the couple doesn’t let a total inability to communicate slow the wedding plans.
Memphis is a nurse practitioner from Michigan, raising two children as a single mom. She takes her friends Kristie and Kesha lingerie shopping, because it’s best to decide your pre-sex attire by committee. She walks out with her lady parts making direct contact with the garment, and a woman with a German accent belays down from the roof to report an underthings infraction. That means that outfit #2, a tribute to the Matrix, is trotted out with bring pink day-drawers on full display, while Memphis holds her boobs in.
“You need a whip,” Kesha chants, to show her support for dominatrix attire.
The man for Memphis is Hamza, a resident of Tunisia, where appearances on 90DF are advertised like employment. She likes that he’s considerate, and does things like read sentiment that doesn’t address her specifically off a teleprompter, and send generic texts at the same time every day. He doesn’t speak a lick of English, but Hamza knows this doesn’t matter.
“I am not in this for the conversation,” Memphis believes.
What brings them together is “sexy time,” which involves Memphis donning an assortment of showercap crowns of seduction, before indulging in routine ass-washing.
“Oh,” Hamza offers.
Despite having two kids and no idea what this dude is like in person, Memphis is determined to marry him the second week of this three week adventure. While talking it out with Kesha and Kristie, she returns to the importance of morning texts again, and will someone please introduce Memphis to a programmer?
“Teeth and lips are like my thing,” Memphis declares, immediately dismissing anyone with half a face.
Kesha expresses concern about how quickly this is moving, and the potential for Memphis to be used. This is generic 90DF sentiment, but Kesha knows the complexities of Memphis’ past, and why that makes her more fragile when it comes to love.
Memphis’ mom has a history with addiction that left her shuffling between 12 different foster homes. Now that Memphis is an adult they’re trying to have a relationship, and she knows the foundation is baked goods. While mom gets busy crafting cupcakes, Memphis says that she told Hamza that if he comes to the US he’s getting a job, because otherwise she’ll just continue to support him. Memphis adds that with the money she pulls in she can afford this for awhile, and mom reminds her that she doesn’t know what his monthly comic books and candy demands are just yet. Mom wants to know if Hamza is ready to be a stepdad, and Memphis says that she can tell by how they’ve never had a coherant conversation that it’s going to be fine.
“Even with addiction, I made sure you had everything,” Memphis’ mom actually says. “Like 12 different foster homes.”
Memphis says that pretending everything is fine is how her mother copes with their past, and Memphis uses a similar skill to maintain sunny optimism about her non-speaking relationship with a man in another country.
Before hitting the airport, Memphis makes a stop at her foster sister Ingrid’s house for some goodbye bacon and mutual hair admiration.Ingrid has the right amount of suspicion about the whole relationship, and says that Hamza doesn’t really know Memphis, or her tendency to be an impulsive hothead. When Memphis suggests Ingrid should trust because she’s seen them interact, Ingrid is quick to remind her that silently staring at each other isn’t a sufficient measure of compatibility. Memphis insists that Hamza doesn’t need to know anything about her ex, even if she did spend a few nights at his house when they first start dating.
“So you’re going to tell him when there’s a lull in your story?” Ingrid has seen this show before.
“What?” It’s okay, Hamza, just keep having lips and teeth.
Mike is a lego-building volunteer firefighter who lives with his dad and grandpa. When he’s not constructing off-road vehicles with colorful blocks, dad and grandpa micromanage him from the kitchen table, while he racks up demerits for inadequate pancakes.
Mike says that he’s made a few attempts at finding love, but hasn’t successfully paired up with someone since high school. So he switched his location to Colombia, and met Ximena. Mike and his taller but younger brother Steven talk about this at the firehouse, and Mike insists that he knows her fairly well, even with language barriers. Steven notes that it’s the happiest Mike’s been since his mom died 9 years ago. Mike also trusts her completely, and stands by this assertion in the face of his doubting brother, because she asks him if he remembered to feed himself on a regular basis.
“That’s not a girlfriend,” his brother Steven interjects. “That’s a mom.”
While Gino prefers to pretend Jasmine’s kids are an illusion, Mike is going to a toy store to introduce himself to Ximena’s kids in style. The shopkeeper is going to receive TMI whether she likes it or not, and is sporting an outfit in an assortment of colors and patterns that’s remarkably similar to one I fashioned for my last edibles purchase.
“They should be happy with the toys, anyway,” The shopkeeper burns. “And if it doesn’t work out, I hope he gets a good cup of coffee anyhow.”
NEXT TIME: Gino questions his decision to bring a pregnancy test when Jasmine acts like a child, Memphis learns that she and her lingerie will not be sharing a room with Hamza, Usman’s friends start shit with Kim, and Ximena could be a no-show at the airport, or simply hiding around the corner with questions about his meal history.
Thank you, Patreons! Happy Holidays!

I (M25) dated this girl (F26) for about 3 years (we started dating when we were both around 19), the last year was tough because I left to study abroad. I honestly believed we were gonna be the exemption, that if there was any couple that could achieve a couple of years in a long distance relationship (she was in America while I was in Germany), it could be us. Let me add here that those two years were the happiest that I can remember of. She’s such a kind and loving person, she was the love of my life, no fights, amazing chemistry, friends in common, my family loved her. I knew I wanted to marry this girl from the beginning. I can honestly say that in the hype and stress of the first year of college I left the relationship aside, I started rescheduling our video-dates, not answering texts as often as I did at the beginningor not being able to take her calls because I was out partying. Eventually she started doing the same. Distance made everything complicated and tough, I guess we didn’t plan it good enough. Although we talked about it and I really did my best to make it better it eventually came to an end the first time I came back to visit. It wasn’t a good timing, although I guess it never is. We were in a family dinner in my house, we went to buy some snacks and pick something up at another house, there she sat me down and told me we couldn’t be together any longer. I was really shocked but in my “maturity” I told her I understood and we went back to the party, of course no one knew, so I guess out of instinct we just pretended nothing happened, she left early and I could talk about it with my inner circle. I was heartbroken. We had some plans together that vacation that we actually did, there we could talk and end things in the best way possible. We were both extremely sad because we knew we loved each other, the only reason for the breakup was the distance. I was mad at her for taking the decision but I understood it.
Fast forward 4 years, we lost contact for a while. There was the occasional text or birthday wish. After about two years we had coffee when I came back home to catch up. We had a really nice conversation and a lovely evening. It’s worth noting that this first encounter happened while I was in a relationship with another girl, I of course asked her if she was cool with it, I had no intentions other than to catch up, she accepted and was really cool about it. The next year I was dating another girl and I asked the same, she was not happy about it but she eventually accepted, I know she was of course jealous but I can honestly say I saw her as a friend. Eventually these jealousy provoked our breakup but that’s another story. If I’m honest I never stopped loving this girl, I swear I thought I did while I was in the other relationships or at least I convinced myself that I did. I was happy with them but never as happy, that’s a rough thing to say because there were of course other factors to my happiness but that’s just how I feel. Anyway.. I’m single now and I’m home for the holidays. After my last breakup and some personal and family problems, we’ve been in contact a lot more. We’re texting and having the occasional zoom call. I can say I’m conflicted about how I feel about her. In one hand I don’t know if the contact we’re having is good for me or if it’s stopping me to move forward and know new people, maybe it’s me trying to come back to those happy times after a rough year. In the other hand I just can’t take her of my head, I can’t explain it otherwise, I’m still in love with her. We’re gonna meet in a couple of days, my gut feeling tells me she feels something for me, I want to believe she’s in the same situation as me. I don’t know what to do, I’m going back in aa couple of days and there’s no plan in the near future where we’ll be in the same continent. I’m now completely against distance relationships but I also fear losing her..
I skipped a lot but I hope you picture the situation well. I don’t know why I posted this, I guess any advise helps. Thanks!

Over the years, I’ve had multiple people ask me about the Christmas Pageant held in my mothers hometown of Forsel, in the Netherlands. So, given the particular time of year I thought it only right that I take the time to finally discuss it.
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I will warn you up front, the Forsel Christmas Pageant is not exactly what one might immediately expect when they hear the words ‘Christmas Pageant.’ I would honestly say that the name does not exactly fit it well. But that is what they have called it for as long as I can remember and if it has any other name, I do not know it.
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The tradition probably dates back longer than Forsel has even existed. I don’t know the full history behind it, and I’m not entirely sure that there is anyone still alive who does. Even those in Forsel who still hold fast to the old traditions, probably don’t know where they came from anymore. It’s all been lost to time and buried by history.
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Because of all of that: I can provide no real answers beyond what little I experienced firsthand. I have however, drawn some of my own conclusions from what I do know and I imagine that you will do the same. Whether there truly is anything behind the Forsel Christmas Pageant or not is really a matter of personal belief. At the end of the day, it is very much just a strange local tradition and may have no real significance towards the rest of the world. Whatever the case, it is what I grew up with and despite everything, I still do hold my fond memories of it.
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When I was a young boy, I participated in the Forsel Christmas Pageant. But then again, so does every other child under 12. Participation is considered to be mandatory, although that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. While yes, the pageant itself is a rather formal and somewhat dour affair, kids will still be kids. Put enough of them in a room together and they’ll find some way to have fun.
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I was a bit of an odd case amongst some of the other children. My mother had been born in Forsel, but she’d moved to the United States where she’d met my father years ago. Most of the year, we lived in a decent sized house in the American suburbs. But during November and December, we’d spend our time in Forsel, living with my grandparents.
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I used to look forward to it every year. Not just because I got a couple of months away from school, but because I had friends in town. It was always exciting to see them and catch up. It was like for a couple of months, I could live an entirely different life, just for a little while. I wasn’t the only one who only ‘lived’ in Forsel during the Holiday season. A lot of people who’d moved abroad came back for the Christmas Pageant. They’d bring their kids to participate and it was just as fun to see them too. Most of them had moved to America, but some had come from Canada, England and a few other surrounding countries. The Christmas Pageant brought us all together. We would play games during breaks, or after rehearsals. We’d play in the snow, out by the pageant grounds or play hide and seek in the forest so long as it wasn’t too dark. In fact, I remember looking forward to rehearsal days just because I knew I’d get to see my friends.
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I remember once, my friend Bram and I caught hell from one of the organizers during a dress rehearsal when we took advantage of a break to go tobogganing out back. Our costumes had been covered in snow when we’d returned and the old woman who’d been organizing the pageant that year chewed us both out in dutch for the better part of fifteen minutes. She’d made us finish the rehearsal soaking wet as punishment, but I can’t say either of us regretted a thing, even though I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold in my life.
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Looking back on it, I suppose it is a little bit funny how excited I was for the pageant every year. As I said before, the actual proceedings are a little bit dull and I can’t quite say that it was very ‘Christmassy’. Not in the conventional sense, at least. But that’s Forsel for you. Their traditions are a little simpler than what most others are used to. In fact, I couldn’t tell you of a single place in the world that does Christmas the same way they do it in Forsel and I’m genuinely not sure I mean that entirely as a compliment. I’ve seen how the rest of the world views the holiday and how drastically different it is from what I grew up with. Outside of Forsel, there’s much more focus on the upbeat aspects of the holiday. The bright colors, the gifts, and the jolly old man in red. Yes, you get some of that in Forsel, but not quite as much. Christmas was always a much more quiet and formal affair.
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For example, their Christmas season didn’t officially start until December. There were no decorations in November, as those were considered to bring bad luck. It was usually mid December before anyone began decorating and even then, they weren’t quite as flashy as some of the ones I’ve seen in other parts of the world.
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There were no elaborate lights or figurines. It was all very traditional. Grandma and Grandpa would decorate their home with bits of greenery. Handmade evergreen wreaths and boughs of holly, amongst other things. Nothing plastic or bought from a store. That was partially because the nearest place to buy such things was an hour or so drive out of town, and partially because they all seemed to look down on such things as an omen of bad luck.
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We’d cut our Christmas trees from the forest outside of town and decorate them with old ornaments, most of which were handmade by our grandparents although each member of the family contributed a decoration or two of their own making in time. There were no carolers, or special holiday sales in the local shops. Nobody dressed up as Santa Claus and there were very few, if any parties. Outside of the decorations, Christmas was always a quiet and family focused affair. The only major community gathering they had was the pageant which was held every year on the evening of December 20th.
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It came around like clockwork and was carried out in much the same way. As I said before, every child under 12 was required to participate. Usually, there wouldn’t be more than 20 or 30 of us, almost half of whom weren’t full time residents. Being a small town, Forsel didn’t have very many children and by the time I left, that number had dwindled to around 15, including those who came down just for the pageant. There are probably even less of them now...
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The pageant was never particularly exciting to either watch or to perform. But everyone in town came to see it all the same, and every child participated in it. As the sun set on December 20th, everyone in town would venture out to the pageant grounds on the edge of town.
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The pageant grounds were carved in stone, near the edge of the forest. People brought their own chairs to set them down and would watch as the children gathered with their backs to the trees. They would assemble in rows with the youngest in the front and the oldest in the back, all of them dressed in red cloaks lined with white furs and they would sing.
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The songs they had them sing were always… Strange. The lyrics weren’t in any language I know. In fact, I’m not sure just what language they were in at all. I have looked (halfheartedly) for an answer but I’ve never found one. We all knew what the lyrics were supposed to mean, of course. We had all read the lyric sheets which came with a translation. Although I don’t think any of us thought too hard on any of it. It wasn’t until recently when I thought about the Forsel Christmas Pageant that I truly stopped to think about them and realized just how odd they were.
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The translated lyrics were as follows, (although my memory is a bit rusty, so if there are some errors, please forgive me)
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In the forest. In the forest.
Where the snow is not broken and the Old Man sleeps.
In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
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Be good and walk quietly. Don’t make a sound.L
ight the fire and open the wine.
The Old Man sleeps for now.
We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
​
On this day, would no sinner be unpunished.
On this night, let no good man be harmed.
Follow the song. Follow the song.
Let the Old Man sleep again.
​
The song doesn’t make much sense outside of context, unfortunately and translated into English, I’d say that it loses most of its impact. That said... I’d be lying if I said that reading these words again after all these years didn’t send an icy chill through me. I can still hear the low chanting of children, reciting the song in its original language. No music to accompany them, just a chorus of young voices speaking words they didn’t understand to a sea of adults who regarded the whole affair with a stern intensity.
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This was always the first song sung that began the pageant and it was the most important. There were other songs sung after this, of course. But nothing with quite the same impact. Nothing in that bizarre, forgotten language that no one understood. The other songs were more traditional Dutch carols, the kind you’d hear elsewhere in the Netherlands and most of the children participated in those while the other part of the pageant was prepared.
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Every year, two of the oldest children would be selected from the group of 12 year olds who wouldn’t be participating next year. It was always people chosen both by the other children, and by the adults and it was always someone thought well of by the community. They were usually the kids who did well in school, were kind to their friends and treated others with empathy. ‘Good’ kids.
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Most children don’t see the full extent of the Forsel Christmas Pageant. Sure, they hear things. Rumors, whispers… But they dismiss them. I know I did. I wrote it off as some odd tradition and maybe it is. Maybe there really is nothing more to it… But I don’t know if I believe that. When I was told that I was one of the ones who was chosen amongst my peers, I was beyond excited. I’d seen it happen to others over the years. During the pageant, while the younger children sang, the oldest would quietly leave and retreat into the woods with one of the adults.
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They would remain absent until the last song, when at last they would return. We never saw what they did and nobody ever talked about it. But I knew that it involved the chosen children doing something special. But I’d never imagined that I would be one of the ones who was picked. I wasn’t a full time resident, but I guess that hadn’t stopped them before. I was a good student back at home (much to the pride of my Grandparents who were quite vocal about it). I had lots of friends both in Forsel and back home and I got along well with just about everybody. But I probably could’ve named others who were a better fit. Maybe that was why I was the ideal choice? I can’t say… But I was excited nonetheless.
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The other child who had chosen alongside me was a girl named Mila. Unlike me, she lived in Forsel full time and I only somewhat knew her. I can’t say we were ever really friends. I had heard whispers and rumors about her of course, none of which were very flattering. Even in a small town, kids can be cruel.
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What I did know for sure however was that her family life was not a happy one. Her father had passed away years ago, although I could not tell you how and her mother worked long hours at a local lumber mill. Without any other family in her life, Mila had started down a difficult path. I’d heard that she missed school often, and while I was in Forsel, I’d seen her in a pickup truck, belonging to some stranger from out of town a few times. A man who was at least old enough to drive. Once my friend Bram and I had spotted her sleeping in a tent in the woods. You could smell the alcohol on her from a good distance away.
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Her life was not set up to be a happy one and knowing what I knew about her, I pitied her more than anything else. She was not who I would have expected to be chosen alongside me… But I never resented her for that. If anything, I couldn’t help but be happy for her. Perhaps this would be a good thing? Maybe it was a sign that things were getting better for her? Who could say.
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During the rehearsals, the adults spent extra time with me and the other children my age. We would stay longer, while the other kids were allowed to play and we would venture into the woods to a small, snowy clearing. There they told us how we would be here, after the opening song of the pageant. They told the others how they were to wait, patiently and silently while Mila and I were to venture alone into the woods.
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They said it was part of the tradition, that the path was clearly marked so we wouldn’t get lost… I never questioned any of it. It was too exciting to question it! It’s funny, tell a person they were chosen, tell them that they’re special… They’ll do just about anything. All of it was just part of the tradition. Part of the pageant… They never let us actually go down that path. They said we could only go down that path in the woods on the day of the pageant. They never explicitly told us what we’d be doing when we went down there either. They simply told us that we’d know and of course I trusted them implicitly.
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Mila and I never really spoke during the rehearsals (When she was there). I honestly wasn’t sure what to say to her and she mostly preferred to keep to herself anyways. I got the impression that she wasn’t particularly interested in having been chosen… But I didn’t let her lack of enthusiasm kill my own excitement for the coming pageant. I was so blinded by the idea that something special, something very few others had seen was waiting for me that I couldn’t have cared less what she did or didn’t do.
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December 20th rolled around. I was 12 years old and it felt like the single proudest day of my life. My age group was the last on the stage. We were dressed in the same red cloaks as the others, but mine and Milas were special amongst them. There was a gold trim to the fur and a shimmering gold pattern on my cloak that marked us as the ones they’d chosen. I still have photographs of myself from that night, beaming with pride, dressed in that red and gold cloak as if I’d just achieved everything I could’ve possibly wanted.
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From where I stood on the pageant grounds, I could see the whole town, gathered to watch us. Behind them, sat Forsel. Quaint, quiet and snow capped, lit by a full moon. It was beautiful… Like something out of a holiday postcard. For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever see a sight so lovely again. We sang that bizarre opening song. I knew the lyrics without even looking down at the sheet in my hands. I don’t think I’d ever sang it quite so well before. Then, when the unusual chanting song ended, the 12 year olds left quietly and ventured into the woods. I could see one of the adults who had helped us prepare standing by the edge of the trees, an oil lantern in his hand. He gestured for us to follow and we did, staying in single file the entire time.
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He didn’t speak. None of us did. The only sound was the crunch of our boots in the snow as we weaved through the trees and into the quiet clearing we’d come to know. There, we stood in a half moon shape. There were only 7 of us, myself and Mila included. The other 5 children looked at me expectantly as they took their positions and the man who’d led us out there (I recall his name was Finn, although I never knew him well) quietly addressed us.
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“Tonight is an important night for all of us.” He said, “When you leave this clearing, you will be grown and you can never go back… Do you understand that?”
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He was met with silence, but I got the impression that was the answer he’d been expecting. He managed a slight smile before looking at me. He offered me the lantern and I took it.
“You two should go. There’s someone waiting for you up ahead. You’ll know what to do.”
​
Something about his tone was… Well… It’s hard to describe. Time has taken so much from me, there is so much that I struggle to remember. I don’t remember the name of the man who led us into the woods, I don’t remember the names of a few of the other kids who stood with me in that clearing. I doubt I could recognize most of their faces now. But I remember very clearly the tone in his voice. There was a heaviness to it. An almost regrettable tone. He said it as if it was an apology and I didn’t understand why. Not at first.
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The lantern felt heavy in my hand. The man nodded at me and Mila and with one last look back at him, I ventured forward into the forest. Mila didn’t say a word as she followed me. But she lingered behind as if she didn’t want to go. Maybe in her heart, she knew better than to follow me into the woods. But tradition urged her forward and in the end, common sense didn’t stay her feet. She followed in my footsteps. Staying close enough to be in the light, but no closer.
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After the first few steps, I didn’t look back as the trees swallowed me up. The moonlight's reflection off of the snow almost made it bright enough to see where I was going even without the lantern and the trees cast sinister shadows around me. But I continued to walk, eyes set ahead, looking for the light of someone else waiting for me.
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We kept a slow pace, keeping an eye out for the small stacks of stones and flags tied to branches that marked the way. They were dusted in snow, but I could find them easily enough. After what felt like a half hour of walking though, I never saw any light or any indication that I wasn’t alone. The only sound I heard was the distant singing from the pageant and the low whispers of the wind.
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Mila spoke after a while, a hint of exasperation in her voice.
“What exactly are we out here for? How much further do we need to walk?”
“I don’t know.” Was the only reply I could give her. “I suppose we’ll know it when we see it.”
“They didn’t tell you?” She asked, clearly annoyed. I heard her swear and saw her reach under her cloak for a cigarette.
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“You shouldn’t. What if you get seen?” I said. She didn’t respond, she just glared at me as if to imply some sort of threat. I thought better of saying anything more about it. I let her trail behind and smoke as I kept walking. The crunch of her boots in the snow and the stink of tobacco was the only thing that told me she was still there.
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The next time she spoke, several minutes later it was to suggest that we turn around before we get lost. But I insisted we stay on the path, just to see it through to the end. I could tell that she wanted to turn back anyway. But the darkness behind us was deep. I’m sure that she could have made it back without a light… But she didn’t want to try. She tossed her cigarette aside and picked up the pace behind me, eager to get this over with. I suppose I really couldn’t blame her for that.
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It wasn’t much further until we saw the house. I could see it through the trees as we neared the end of the trail. It was old and made of weathered stone. Virgin snow covered the roof and the grounds leading up to it.
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The windows were dark but I knew that this was where we were meant to be. My pace quickened as I hurried towards the door. For a moment, I forgot about Mila in my haste to see what was waiting for us, to see what we’d been chosen for! I could hear her running behind me to catch up and stay close to the light. By the time she caught up to me, my hand was already on the door and turning the knob.
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It swung open with a gust of wind, and I only barely stopped it from slamming against the wall. I looked back at Mila. Her brow was furrowed in curiosity. She pursed her lips, before stepping inside and calling out:
“Hello?”
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There was no answer. The house seemed empty. I’d expected it to be at least a little warmer inside. But the air seemed cold enough to cut me to the bone. I could see Mila shiver as she pulled her cloak tighter around her. She glanced at me cautiously before going further into the house and I’ll admit, I was a little happy to see her showing some enthusiasm about this. I stayed close to her, listening for some other sign of life in that empty house but as far as I could tell there was none.
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“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” She asked as she ventured down the hall and into another room. The room was large, with a large fireplace dominating one wall. I could see some weak embers glowing inside and approached them. The fire was nearly dead. It would need to be stoked. I set about doing just that.
​
Mila stood behind me, squinting in the darkness to survey the rest of the room. I didn’t notice when she stepped away from me, towards a large table that dominated the center of the room. I was too focused on the fire and getting it restarted. Studying it, I could see the broken, burnt and twisted remains of a couple of oil lanterns, similar to the one I was holding. It seemed as if whoever had set the fire last had smashed their lantern to do so. Odd… I looked over at Mila again. She was standing by the head of the table, holding a dusty bottle of wine beside an ornate crystal glass. She’d pulled the cork off and found it empty. She looked a little bit disappointed.
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“No wine and no food.” She said, “What are we supposed to do?”
Wine and food…
The moment she said those words, I understood.
​
In the forest. In the forest.
Where the snow is not broken and the Old Man sleeps.
In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
​
The song we’d sang for as long as we could sing… This was the house it spoke of, it had to be! An old house in the forest, covered in unbroken snow with a dying cold fire? It fit too well... What was the next verse?
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Be good and walk quietly. Don’t make a sound.Light the fire and open the wine.
The Old Man sleeps for now.We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
​
I understood…
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“It’s a feast. We need to prepare a feast!” I said, “The fire, we need to light it. We need roast meat and red wine!”
“A feast?” She asked, “Like in that song? For what, an old man? There’s nobody here. Let’s go. It’s cold and I don’t want to stay here any longer. We don’t have meat and wine anyways!”
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She was right. Had there been something we missed? Meat and wine… Perhaps there was some in the house, somewhere? I looked down at the lantern in my hand. It would be easier to find out if we had some light. I hadn’t questioned things up until now. Why start now? I’d seen the twisted remains of other lanterns in the fireplace. It was obvious to me what I had to do.
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I dashed my lantern down into the fireplace, shattering it and igniting the embers anew. Mila cried out in surprise as warmth bloomed in the old house. I looked around, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the light. The old house did look abandoned… But there had to be something here, right? I brushed past her as I ventured into another room, looking for a kitchen or a pantry. I found nothing. Yes, there were rooms that once could have been a kitchen. But there was nothing in them. No stove or oven. Just empty rooms.
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I returned to the main room where Mila had moved closer to the fire, watching me out of the corner of my eye as I searched.
“They had to leave us something.” I said as I searched for another room to explore. I spotted a chest in one corner and headed over to it. It opened with a low creak and kicked up dust as it did.
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I’d hoped to at least find some wine in there. But all there was, was a large iron pole, a small rusted knife and a couple more red cloaks, similar to those that we were wearing. I picked up the knife and turned it over in my hands, before looking back at Mila.
“There’s nothing else in here…” I said. “I don’t understand… What are we supposed to do…”
I went over the song again in my head, repeating the first two verses before moving on to the third.
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On this day, would no sinner be unpunished.
On this night, let no good man be harmed.
Leave the forest. Leave the forest.
Let the Old Man sleep again.
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In context, it wasn’t exactly helpful. Maybe I was getting it wrong? I picked up the iron spit. Looking at it, it looked like it would fit comfortably over the fireplace. It was long enough to place a decently sized animal as well. Perhaps a young pig?
“We can’t figure it out. There’s no point in staying here.” Mila said, “Let’s just go back. It’s too cold to stay out here.”
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No… No, I wasn’t ready to leave just yet. I wanted to figure this out! I wanted to understand what was going on here! I looked at the knife in my hand, reciting the final verse of the song under my breath and trying to decipher its meaning… If indeed it had any meaning.
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As I did, I could hear something move on the floor above us. Something massive seemed to stir and the entire house seemed to creak under its weight. Both Mila and I fell silent as we looked up. We traded a glance, but neither said a word. I don’t think either of us dared to take a breath.
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In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
​
We weren’t alone.
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The silence around us was deafening and the knowledge that it could be broken at any moment was nothing short of crushing. It was during that silence that I looked down into the trunk again. I hadn’t touched the cloaks at the bottom. I’d dismissed them as something we didn’t need…
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But now, as I stared at them, I could see a rusty reddish color staining the white fur trim. I gingerly set the spit down before I reached in to take out one of the cloaks. Dried blood flaked off onto my hands and I felt my stomach lurch slightly as I dropped it.
“What is it?” Mila asked. I looked at her but didn’t have the heart to speak. I just stared at the bloody cloak I’d dropped onto the ground, feeling my knees grow weak beneath me. It took everything I had to keep standing.
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I suddenly wanted to vomit… Because I finally understood what we had come here to do… And I did not know if it was something I was capable of. Mila looked at me, oblivious… She didn’t know. She didn’t understand. I envied her. I knew why she’d been chosen…
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She’d been chosen because of all the people in Forsel our age, she was the one that no one would miss. She was the one who could disappear, and everyone would simply shrug it off. Even me, if I hadn’t been standing in that room with her, if I hadn’t known what fate had been chosen for her… I never would have thought twice if one day, she’d simply vanished. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed if she wasn’t around when I came back again next year. I wouldn’t have even spared her a thought.
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Mila was coming closer. She snatched the discarded cloak off of the ground and studied it. I still had the knife in my hands. Her eyes settled on the spit I’d left on the ground… And even with her back to me, I could see that she was putting the pieces together in her head, just like I had.
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They’d sent her here to die and they had sent me here to kill her…
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I couldn’t do this… I couldn’t murder her! I couldn’t… Dear God, I couldn’t put her on the fire! Then, above us I heard the slow rumble of movement again. Whatever was in the house with us, the Old Man stirred once more.
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This time, I could see the ceiling sag as it moved. Mila heard it too and she looked up with wide eyes. The Old Man was waking up. Something told me that he would be hungry.
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When I looked at Mila again, her eyes were on me. We stared at each other for several moments, each choosing our future very carefully. She looked at the knife in my hand and I knew what she aimed to do. I gripped it tightly and exhaled… And I waited for her to take it.
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She came at me suddenly, lunging at me to try and force me to the ground and rip the knife from my hands. I held it tightly, pulling it out of her grip as she clawed for it, panting in rage as she tried to wrestle it from me.
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I…
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I don’t remember much about what happened…
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One minute, she had brought me down to the ground. One minute, we were fighting. Then the next, I heard her gasp in pain and when I looked down the knife was buried in her ribs. I stumbled backward, ripping it out of her as I scrambled away. She pressed a hand to the wound in her side and looked at me, angry and afraid. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes… I could feel tears welling up in my own.
​
We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
​
The Old Man needed his wine.
​
I held the knife in my shaking hand as I made my way to the table… I picked up the crystal wine glass and approached her again. Mila looked up at me, knowing what was going to happen next but too badly hurt to resist it anymore. Her lips trembled, tears of anger and dread ran down her cheeks.
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“We… We don’t have to…” She said… Those were her final words to me. “Noah! We don’t have to!”
Maybe we didn’t… Maybe…
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After I cut her throat, I forced the wound over the wine glass and let it fill with her blood. Mila died, gasping and choking on the floor… I waited until she was dead before I prepared her for the fire.
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Above me, I could hear the slow creak of movement. I could hear the Old Man coming.
​
By the time I heard him on the stairs, his obscene ‘feast’ was cooking… I didn’t stay in the house to see him for myself…
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As I heard his heavy footsteps draw nearer, I ran back the way I came and out the door, into the snow. My hands were still slick with Mila’s blood… I was crying as I stumbled back out into the woods.
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I had no light to guide me, but I could hear the distant songs from the Pageant… So long as they sang, they would guide me home. I stumbled forwards, away from that house, away from Mila and what I’d done to her… But even as I returned to the woods, I could still hear the jolly laughter of the Old Man from inside the house.
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It’s funny… Of all the little things that change between every interpretation of Christmas. One of the ones that doesn’t, is the distinct chuckle of the jolly Old Man who defines it. I’ve heard it imitated so many times by mall Santas, cartoons, television shows, and the like. But none of them have ever captured the sheer mirth in it…
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‘Ho Ho Ho.’
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No matter who does it, the memory of that laugh still sends a chill through me and I can imagine him, a grossly fat, barely human thing with a flowing white beard carving meat off the spit… Meat that was alive just moments ago… Meat that died, telling me that we didn’t have to do this… Meat that nobody would miss…
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I said at the beginning, I have no real answers. I meant that.
​
When I returned to Forsel, the other children were waiting for me. We returned to the pageant as if nothing was wrong and they stood around me and sang the final song. ‘Sinterklaas Kapoentje’. Then… The pageant was over. We went home.
​
Christmas passed like it always passes. Nobody mentioned Mila… Not even her own mother, although I’m told that she did leave town a few months later. A few times, I considered asking about what happened in the forest. What I saw… What I did… Maybe my parents would know, or some of the others in town who had arranged the pageant. Maybe they’d understand why they sent Mila and I out into the forest. Maybe they’d have an answer.
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But I’m ashamed to confess that I never gathered up the strength to do so. To this day, I’m not sure if it was the fear of facing the guilt of what I’d done, or the fear of truly knowing what was out there that kept me from asking. Perhaps it was a bit of both.
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Even if I never could ask about it though… Sometimes, I caught my mother looking at me and the expression in her eyes was… It reminded me of the way the man in the forest had spoken to us, before we’d departed into the woods. There was a deep sorrow there. The implication of a heavy truth that couldn’t be spoken. I never asked my mother about it. To this day we’ve never spoken about the Christmas Pageant. I don’t think we ever will.
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What I know for certain is that when I was 12 years old, I participated in a ritual of some sort. One child, held in high regard by the community, sacrifices one that the community holds in low regard.
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Perhaps it is necessary so that the Old Man continues to sleep… Perhaps if Forsel were ever to fail to perform the annual ‘Christmas Pageant’, he would wake and find his feast elsewhere. I don’t doubt that would be a calamity. Maybe that’s just something I choose to believe, so I can tell myself that Mila was wrong… That I had to kill her. That we couldn’t have just walked away. I really don’t know for sure. Maybe I’ll never know.
​
I have not returned to Forsel in years and I’ve never been back around Christmastime. Even the year after my last year in the pageant, I begged and pleaded to stay elsewhere on Christmas. I spent those two months staying with a friend, going to school normally and trying as hard as I could not to think about Forsel. It always crept back into my mind, though. Always.
​
After my grandparents died, my parents moved to Forsel full time. I was old enough to strike out on my own then, so that’s exactly what I did. I still talk to them, but I very rarely visit. I tell them that a flight to the Netherlands would be too expensive. It’s a good excuse.
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I haven’t seen the Christmas Pageant ever since my last year participating, but when I was down in Forsel last, about five years back, I couldn’t help but notice that the town seemed smaller than before. There were more abandoned buildings and fewer people. I can’t imagine there are a lot of children left there now and somehow, I doubt that those who’ve moved away are coming back just for the Holidays. There are precious few things left to tie anyone there anymore.
​
My parents don’t talk about the state of the town, but I can hear it in their voices. Forsel is dying. It’s dying the same slow, drawn out death that countless small communities have died in the past. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. Part of me is almost glad but part of me… Part of me is afraid of it... I can hear the dread in my parents' voices whenever they dare to mention Forsel… From an ocean away I can almost sense their fear of the upcoming holiday season.
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How many children are left in Forsel now? At least one less every year...How many people are still putting together the pageant?
​
How much longer can they carry on?
And what happens when they can’t?

Over the years, I’ve had multiple people ask me about the Christmas Pageant held in my mothers hometown of Forsel, in the Netherlands. So, given the particular time of year I thought it only right that I take the time to finally discuss it.
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I will warn you up front, the Forsel Christmas Pageant is not exactly what one might immediately expect when they hear the words ‘Christmas Pageant.’ I would honestly say that the name does not exactly fit it well. But that is what they have called it for as long as I can remember and if it has any other name, I do not know it.
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The tradition probably dates back longer than Forsel has even existed. I don’t know the full history behind it, and I’m not entirely sure that there is anyone still alive who does. Even those in Forsel who still hold fast to the old traditions, probably don’t know where they came from anymore. It’s all been lost to time and buried by history.
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Because of all of that: I can provide no real answers beyond what little I experienced firsthand. I have however, drawn some of my own conclusions from what I do know and I imagine that you will do the same. Whether there truly is anything behind the Forsel Christmas Pageant or not is really a matter of personal belief. At the end of the day, it is very much just a strange local tradition and may have no real significance towards the rest of the world. Whatever the case, it is what I grew up with and despite everything, I still do hold my fond memories of it.
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When I was a young boy, I participated in the Forsel Christmas Pageant. But then again, so does every other child under 12. Participation is considered to be mandatory, although that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. While yes, the pageant itself is a rather formal and somewhat dour affair, kids will still be kids. Put enough of them in a room together and they’ll find some way to have fun.
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I was a bit of an odd case amongst some of the other children. My mother had been born in Forsel, but she’d moved to the United States where she’d met my father years ago. Most of the year, we lived in a decent sized house in the American suburbs. But during November and December, we’d spend our time in Forsel, living with my grandparents.
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I used to look forward to it every year. Not just because I got a couple of months away from school, but because I had friends in town. It was always exciting to see them and catch up. It was like for a couple of months, I could live an entirely different life, just for a little while. I wasn’t the only one who only ‘lived’ in Forsel during the Holiday season. A lot of people who’d moved abroad came back for the Christmas Pageant. They’d bring their kids to participate and it was just as fun to see them too. Most of them had moved to America, but some had come from Canada, England and a few other surrounding countries. The Christmas Pageant brought us all together. We would play games during breaks, or after rehearsals. We’d play in the snow, out by the pageant grounds or play hide and seek in the forest so long as it wasn’t too dark. In fact, I remember looking forward to rehearsal days just because I knew I’d get to see my friends.
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I remember once, my friend Bram and I caught hell from one of the organizers during a dress rehearsal when we took advantage of a break to go tobogganing out back. Our costumes had been covered in snow when we’d returned and the old woman who’d been organizing the pageant that year chewed us both out in dutch for the better part of fifteen minutes. She’d made us finish the rehearsal soaking wet as punishment, but I can’t say either of us regretted a thing, even though I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold in my life.
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Looking back on it, I suppose it is a little bit funny how excited I was for the pageant every year. As I said before, the actual proceedings are a little bit dull and I can’t quite say that it was very ‘Christmassy’. Not in the conventional sense, at least. But that’s Forsel for you. Their traditions are a little simpler than what most others are used to. In fact, I couldn’t tell you of a single place in the world that does Christmas the same way they do it in Forsel and I’m genuinely not sure I mean that entirely as a compliment. I’ve seen how the rest of the world views the holiday and how drastically different it is from what I grew up with. Outside of Forsel, there’s much more focus on the upbeat aspects of the holiday. The bright colors, the gifts, and the jolly old man in red. Yes, you get some of that in Forsel, but not quite as much. Christmas was always a much more quiet and formal affair.
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For example, their Christmas season didn’t officially start until December. There were no decorations in November, as those were considered to bring bad luck. It was usually mid December before anyone began decorating and even then, they weren’t quite as flashy as some of the ones I’ve seen in other parts of the world.
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There were no elaborate lights or figurines. It was all very traditional. Grandma and Grandpa would decorate their home with bits of greenery. Handmade evergreen wreaths and boughs of holly, amongst other things. Nothing plastic or bought from a store. That was partially because the nearest place to buy such things was an hour or so drive out of town, and partially because they all seemed to look down on such things as an omen of bad luck.
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We’d cut our Christmas trees from the forest outside of town and decorate them with old ornaments, most of which were handmade by our grandparents although each member of the family contributed a decoration or two of their own making in time. There were no carolers, or special holiday sales in the local shops. Nobody dressed up as Santa Claus and there were very few, if any parties. Outside of the decorations, Christmas was always a quiet and family focused affair. The only major community gathering they had was the pageant which was held every year on the evening of December 20th.
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It came around like clockwork and was carried out in much the same way. As I said before, every child under 12 was required to participate. Usually, there wouldn’t be more than 20 or 30 of us, almost half of whom weren’t full time residents. Being a small town, Forsel didn’t have very many children and by the time I left, that number had dwindled to around 15, including those who came down just for the pageant. There are probably even less of them now...
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The pageant was never particularly exciting to either watch or to perform. But everyone in town came to see it all the same, and every child participated in it. As the sun set on December 20th, everyone in town would venture out to the pageant grounds on the edge of town.
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The pageant grounds were carved in stone, near the edge of the forest. People brought their own chairs to set them down and would watch as the children gathered with their backs to the trees. They would assemble in rows with the youngest in the front and the oldest in the back, all of them dressed in red cloaks lined with white furs and they would sing.
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The songs they had them sing were always… Strange. The lyrics weren’t in any language I know. In fact, I’m not sure just what language they were in at all. I have looked (halfheartedly) for an answer but I’ve never found one. We all knew what the lyrics were supposed to mean, of course. We had all read the lyric sheets which came with a translation. Although I don’t think any of us thought too hard on any of it. It wasn’t until recently when I thought about the Forsel Christmas Pageant that I truly stopped to think about them and realized just how odd they were.
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The translated lyrics were as follows, (although my memory is a bit rusty, so if there are some errors, please forgive me)
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In the forest. In the forest.
Where the snow is not broken and the Old Man sleeps.
In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
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Be good and walk quietly. Don’t make a sound.L
ight the fire and open the wine.
The Old Man sleeps for now.
We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
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On this day, would no sinner be unpunished.
On this night, let no good man be harmed.
Follow the song. Follow the song.
Let the Old Man sleep again.
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The song doesn’t make much sense outside of context, unfortunately and translated into English, I’d say that it loses most of its impact. That said... I’d be lying if I said that reading these words again after all these years didn’t send an icy chill through me. I can still hear the low chanting of children, reciting the song in its original language. No music to accompany them, just a chorus of young voices speaking words they didn’t understand to a sea of adults who regarded the whole affair with a stern intensity.
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This was always the first song sung that began the pageant and it was the most important. There were other songs sung after this, of course. But nothing with quite the same impact. Nothing in that bizarre, forgotten language that no one understood. The other songs were more traditional Dutch carols, the kind you’d hear elsewhere in the Netherlands and most of the children participated in those while the other part of the pageant was prepared.
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Every year, two of the oldest children would be selected from the group of 12 year olds who wouldn’t be participating next year. It was always people chosen both by the other children, and by the adults and it was always someone thought well of by the community. They were usually the kids who did well in school, were kind to their friends and treated others with empathy. ‘Good’ kids.
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Most children don’t see the full extent of the Forsel Christmas Pageant. Sure, they hear things. Rumors, whispers… But they dismiss them. I know I did. I wrote it off as some odd tradition and maybe it is. Maybe there really is nothing more to it… But I don’t know if I believe that. When I was told that I was one of the ones who was chosen amongst my peers, I was beyond excited. I’d seen it happen to others over the years. During the pageant, while the younger children sang, the oldest would quietly leave and retreat into the woods with one of the adults.
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They would remain absent until the last song, when at last they would return. We never saw what they did and nobody ever talked about it. But I knew that it involved the chosen children doing something special. But I’d never imagined that I would be one of the ones who was picked. I wasn’t a full time resident, but I guess that hadn’t stopped them before. I was a good student back at home (much to the pride of my Grandparents who were quite vocal about it). I had lots of friends both in Forsel and back home and I got along well with just about everybody. But I probably could’ve named others who were a better fit. Maybe that was why I was the ideal choice? I can’t say… But I was excited nonetheless.
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The other child who had chosen alongside me was a girl named Mila. Unlike me, she lived in Forsel full time and I only somewhat knew her. I can’t say we were ever really friends. I had heard whispers and rumors about her of course, none of which were very flattering. Even in a small town, kids can be cruel.
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What I did know for sure however was that her family life was not a happy one. Her father had passed away years ago, although I could not tell you how and her mother worked long hours at a local lumber mill. Without any other family in her life, Mila had started down a difficult path. I’d heard that she missed school often, and while I was in Forsel, I’d seen her in a pickup truck, belonging to some stranger from out of town a few times. A man who was at least old enough to drive. Once my friend Bram and I had spotted her sleeping in a tent in the woods. You could smell the alcohol on her from a good distance away.
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Her life was not set up to be a happy one and knowing what I knew about her, I pitied her more than anything else. She was not who I would have expected to be chosen alongside me… But I never resented her for that. If anything, I couldn’t help but be happy for her. Perhaps this would be a good thing? Maybe it was a sign that things were getting better for her? Who could say.
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During the rehearsals, the adults spent extra time with me and the other children my age. We would stay longer, while the other kids were allowed to play and we would venture into the woods to a small, snowy clearing. There they told us how we would be here, after the opening song of the pageant. They told the others how they were to wait, patiently and silently while Mila and I were to venture alone into the woods.
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They said it was part of the tradition, that the path was clearly marked so we wouldn’t get lost… I never questioned any of it. It was too exciting to question it! It’s funny, tell a person they were chosen, tell them that they’re special… They’ll do just about anything. All of it was just part of the tradition. Part of the pageant… They never let us actually go down that path. They said we could only go down that path in the woods on the day of the pageant. They never explicitly told us what we’d be doing when we went down there either. They simply told us that we’d know and of course I trusted them implicitly.
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Mila and I never really spoke during the rehearsals (When she was there). I honestly wasn’t sure what to say to her and she mostly preferred to keep to herself anyways. I got the impression that she wasn’t particularly interested in having been chosen… But I didn’t let her lack of enthusiasm kill my own excitement for the coming pageant. I was so blinded by the idea that something special, something very few others had seen was waiting for me that I couldn’t have cared less what she did or didn’t do.
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December 20th rolled around. I was 12 years old and it felt like the single proudest day of my life. My age group was the last on the stage. We were dressed in the same red cloaks as the others, but mine and Milas were special amongst them. There was a gold trim to the fur and a shimmering gold pattern on my cloak that marked us as the ones they’d chosen. I still have photographs of myself from that night, beaming with pride, dressed in that red and gold cloak as if I’d just achieved everything I could’ve possibly wanted.
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From where I stood on the pageant grounds, I could see the whole town, gathered to watch us. Behind them, sat Forsel. Quaint, quiet and snow capped, lit by a full moon. It was beautiful… Like something out of a holiday postcard. For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever see a sight so lovely again. We sang that bizarre opening song. I knew the lyrics without even looking down at the sheet in my hands. I don’t think I’d ever sang it quite so well before. Then, when the unusual chanting song ended, the 12 year olds left quietly and ventured into the woods. I could see one of the adults who had helped us prepare standing by the edge of the trees, an oil lantern in his hand. He gestured for us to follow and we did, staying in single file the entire time.
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He didn’t speak. None of us did. The only sound was the crunch of our boots in the snow as we weaved through the trees and into the quiet clearing we’d come to know. There, we stood in a half moon shape. There were only 7 of us, myself and Mila included. The other 5 children looked at me expectantly as they took their positions and the man who’d led us out there (I recall his name was Finn, although I never knew him well) quietly addressed us.
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“Tonight is an important night for all of us.” He said, “When you leave this clearing, you will be grown and you can never go back… Do you understand that?”
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He was met with silence, but I got the impression that was the answer he’d been expecting. He managed a slight smile before looking at me. He offered me the lantern and I took it.
“You two should go. There’s someone waiting for you up ahead. You’ll know what to do.”
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Something about his tone was… Well… It’s hard to describe. Time has taken so much from me, there is so much that I struggle to remember. I don’t remember the name of the man who led us into the woods, I don’t remember the names of a few of the other kids who stood with me in that clearing. I doubt I could recognize most of their faces now. But I remember very clearly the tone in his voice. There was a heaviness to it. An almost regrettable tone. He said it as if it was an apology and I didn’t understand why. Not at first.
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The lantern felt heavy in my hand. The man nodded at me and Mila and with one last look back at him, I ventured forward into the forest. Mila didn’t say a word as she followed me. But she lingered behind as if she didn’t want to go. Maybe in her heart, she knew better than to follow me into the woods. But tradition urged her forward and in the end, common sense didn’t stay her feet. She followed in my footsteps. Staying close enough to be in the light, but no closer.
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After the first few steps, I didn’t look back as the trees swallowed me up. The moonlight's reflection off of the snow almost made it bright enough to see where I was going even without the lantern and the trees cast sinister shadows around me. But I continued to walk, eyes set ahead, looking for the light of someone else waiting for me.
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We kept a slow pace, keeping an eye out for the small stacks of stones and flags tied to branches that marked the way. They were dusted in snow, but I could find them easily enough. After what felt like a half hour of walking though, I never saw any light or any indication that I wasn’t alone. The only sound I heard was the distant singing from the pageant and the low whispers of the wind.
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Mila spoke after a while, a hint of exasperation in her voice.
“What exactly are we out here for? How much further do we need to walk?”
“I don’t know.” Was the only reply I could give her. “I suppose we’ll know it when we see it.”
“They didn’t tell you?” She asked, clearly annoyed. I heard her swear and saw her reach under her cloak for a cigarette.
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“You shouldn’t. What if you get seen?” I said. She didn’t respond, she just glared at me as if to imply some sort of threat. I thought better of saying anything more about it. I let her trail behind and smoke as I kept walking. The crunch of her boots in the snow and the stink of tobacco was the only thing that told me she was still there.
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The next time she spoke, several minutes later it was to suggest that we turn around before we get lost. But I insisted we stay on the path, just to see it through to the end. I could tell that she wanted to turn back anyway. But the darkness behind us was deep. I’m sure that she could have made it back without a light… But she didn’t want to try. She tossed her cigarette aside and picked up the pace behind me, eager to get this over with. I suppose I really couldn’t blame her for that.
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It wasn’t much further until we saw the house. I could see it through the trees as we neared the end of the trail. It was old and made of weathered stone. Virgin snow covered the roof and the grounds leading up to it.
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The windows were dark but I knew that this was where we were meant to be. My pace quickened as I hurried towards the door. For a moment, I forgot about Mila in my haste to see what was waiting for us, to see what we’d been chosen for! I could hear her running behind me to catch up and stay close to the light. By the time she caught up to me, my hand was already on the door and turning the knob.
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It swung open with a gust of wind, and I only barely stopped it from slamming against the wall. I looked back at Mila. Her brow was furrowed in curiosity. She pursed her lips, before stepping inside and calling out:
“Hello?”
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There was no answer. The house seemed empty. I’d expected it to be at least a little warmer inside. But the air seemed cold enough to cut me to the bone. I could see Mila shiver as she pulled her cloak tighter around her. She glanced at me cautiously before going further into the house and I’ll admit, I was a little happy to see her showing some enthusiasm about this. I stayed close to her, listening for some other sign of life in that empty house but as far as I could tell there was none.
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“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” She asked as she ventured down the hall and into another room. The room was large, with a large fireplace dominating one wall. I could see some weak embers glowing inside and approached them. The fire was nearly dead. It would need to be stoked. I set about doing just that.
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Mila stood behind me, squinting in the darkness to survey the rest of the room. I didn’t notice when she stepped away from me, towards a large table that dominated the center of the room. I was too focused on the fire and getting it restarted. Studying it, I could see the broken, burnt and twisted remains of a couple of oil lanterns, similar to the one I was holding. It seemed as if whoever had set the fire last had smashed their lantern to do so. Odd… I looked over at Mila again. She was standing by the head of the table, holding a dusty bottle of wine beside an ornate crystal glass. She’d pulled the cork off and found it empty. She looked a little bit disappointed.
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“No wine and no food.” She said, “What are we supposed to do?”
Wine and food…
The moment she said those words, I understood.
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In the forest. In the forest.
Where the snow is not broken and the Old Man sleeps.
In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
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The song we’d sang for as long as we could sing… This was the house it spoke of, it had to be! An old house in the forest, covered in unbroken snow with a dying cold fire? It fit too well... What was the next verse?
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Be good and walk quietly. Don’t make a sound.Light the fire and open the wine.
The Old Man sleeps for now.We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
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I understood…
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“It’s a feast. We need to prepare a feast!” I said, “The fire, we need to light it. We need roast meat and red wine!”
“A feast?” She asked, “Like in that song? For what, an old man? There’s nobody here. Let’s go. It’s cold and I don’t want to stay here any longer. We don’t have meat and wine anyways!”
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She was right. Had there been something we missed? Meat and wine… Perhaps there was some in the house, somewhere? I looked down at the lantern in my hand. It would be easier to find out if we had some light. I hadn’t questioned things up until now. Why start now? I’d seen the twisted remains of other lanterns in the fireplace. It was obvious to me what I had to do.
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I dashed my lantern down into the fireplace, shattering it and igniting the embers anew. Mila cried out in surprise as warmth bloomed in the old house. I looked around, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the light. The old house did look abandoned… But there had to be something here, right? I brushed past her as I ventured into another room, looking for a kitchen or a pantry. I found nothing. Yes, there were rooms that once could have been a kitchen. But there was nothing in them. No stove or oven. Just empty rooms.
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I returned to the main room where Mila had moved closer to the fire, watching me out of the corner of my eye as I searched.
“They had to leave us something.” I said as I searched for another room to explore. I spotted a chest in one corner and headed over to it. It opened with a low creak and kicked up dust as it did.
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I’d hoped to at least find some wine in there. But all there was, was a large iron pole, a small rusted knife and a couple more red cloaks, similar to those that we were wearing. I picked up the knife and turned it over in my hands, before looking back at Mila.
“There’s nothing else in here…” I said. “I don’t understand… What are we supposed to do…”
I went over the song again in my head, repeating the first two verses before moving on to the third.
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On this day, would no sinner be unpunished.
On this night, let no good man be harmed.
Leave the forest. Leave the forest.
Let the Old Man sleep again.
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In context, it wasn’t exactly helpful. Maybe I was getting it wrong? I picked up the iron spit. Looking at it, it looked like it would fit comfortably over the fireplace. It was long enough to place a decently sized animal as well. Perhaps a young pig?
“We can’t figure it out. There’s no point in staying here.” Mila said, “Let’s just go back. It’s too cold to stay out here.”
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No… No, I wasn’t ready to leave just yet. I wanted to figure this out! I wanted to understand what was going on here! I looked at the knife in my hand, reciting the final verse of the song under my breath and trying to decipher its meaning… If indeed it had any meaning.
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As I did, I could hear something move on the floor above us. Something massive seemed to stir and the entire house seemed to creak under its weight. Both Mila and I fell silent as we looked up. We traded a glance, but neither said a word. I don’t think either of us dared to take a breath.
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In the house. In the house.
Where the fire is cold and the Old Man sleeps.
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We weren’t alone.
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The silence around us was deafening and the knowledge that it could be broken at any moment was nothing short of crushing. It was during that silence that I looked down into the trunk again. I hadn’t touched the cloaks at the bottom. I’d dismissed them as something we didn’t need…
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But now, as I stared at them, I could see a rusty reddish color staining the white fur trim. I gingerly set the spit down before I reached in to take out one of the cloaks. Dried blood flaked off onto my hands and I felt my stomach lurch slightly as I dropped it.
“What is it?” Mila asked. I looked at her but didn’t have the heart to speak. I just stared at the bloody cloak I’d dropped onto the ground, feeling my knees grow weak beneath me. It took everything I had to keep standing.
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I suddenly wanted to vomit… Because I finally understood what we had come here to do… And I did not know if it was something I was capable of. Mila looked at me, oblivious… She didn’t know. She didn’t understand. I envied her. I knew why she’d been chosen…
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She’d been chosen because of all the people in Forsel our age, she was the one that no one would miss. She was the one who could disappear, and everyone would simply shrug it off. Even me, if I hadn’t been standing in that room with her, if I hadn’t known what fate had been chosen for her… I never would have thought twice if one day, she’d simply vanished. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed if she wasn’t around when I came back again next year. I wouldn’t have even spared her a thought.
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Mila was coming closer. She snatched the discarded cloak off of the ground and studied it. I still had the knife in my hands. Her eyes settled on the spit I’d left on the ground… And even with her back to me, I could see that she was putting the pieces together in her head, just like I had.
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They’d sent her here to die and they had sent me here to kill her…
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I couldn’t do this… I couldn’t murder her! I couldn’t… Dear God, I couldn’t put her on the fire! Then, above us I heard the slow rumble of movement again. Whatever was in the house with us, the Old Man stirred once more.
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This time, I could see the ceiling sag as it moved. Mila heard it too and she looked up with wide eyes. The Old Man was waking up. Something told me that he would be hungry.
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When I looked at Mila again, her eyes were on me. We stared at each other for several moments, each choosing our future very carefully. She looked at the knife in my hand and I knew what she aimed to do. I gripped it tightly and exhaled… And I waited for her to take it.
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She came at me suddenly, lunging at me to try and force me to the ground and rip the knife from my hands. I held it tightly, pulling it out of her grip as she clawed for it, panting in rage as she tried to wrestle it from me.
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I…
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I don’t remember much about what happened…
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One minute, she had brought me down to the ground. One minute, we were fighting. Then the next, I heard her gasp in pain and when I looked down the knife was buried in her ribs. I stumbled backward, ripping it out of her as I scrambled away. She pressed a hand to the wound in her side and looked at me, angry and afraid. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes… I could feel tears welling up in my own.
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We offer a gift of roast meat and red wine.
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The Old Man needed his wine.
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I held the knife in my shaking hand as I made my way to the table… I picked up the crystal wine glass and approached her again. Mila looked up at me, knowing what was going to happen next but too badly hurt to resist it anymore. Her lips trembled, tears of anger and dread ran down her cheeks.
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“We… We don’t have to…” She said… Those were her final words to me. “Noah! We don’t have to!”
Maybe we didn’t… Maybe…
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After I cut her throat, I forced the wound over the wine glass and let it fill with her blood. Mila died, gasping and choking on the floor… I waited until she was dead before I prepared her for the fire.
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Above me, I could hear the slow creak of movement. I could hear the Old Man coming.
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By the time I heard him on the stairs, his obscene ‘feast’ was cooking… I didn’t stay in the house to see him for myself…
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As I heard his heavy footsteps draw nearer, I ran back the way I came and out the door, into the snow. My hands were still slick with Mila’s blood… I was crying as I stumbled back out into the woods.
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I had no light to guide me, but I could hear the distant songs from the Pageant… So long as they sang, they would guide me home. I stumbled forwards, away from that house, away from Mila and what I’d done to her… But even as I returned to the woods, I could still hear the jolly laughter of the Old Man from inside the house.
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It’s funny… Of all the little things that change between every interpretation of Christmas. One of the ones that doesn’t, is the distinct chuckle of the jolly Old Man who defines it. I’ve heard it imitated so many times by mall Santas, cartoons, television shows, and the like. But none of them have ever captured the sheer mirth in it…
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‘Ho Ho Ho.’
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No matter who does it, the memory of that laugh still sends a chill through me and I can imagine him, a grossly fat, barely human thing with a flowing white beard carving meat off the spit… Meat that was alive just moments ago… Meat that died, telling me that we didn’t have to do this… Meat that nobody would miss…
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I said at the beginning, I have no real answers. I meant that.
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When I returned to Forsel, the other children were waiting for me. We returned to the pageant as if nothing was wrong and they stood around me and sang the final song. ‘Sinterklaas Kapoentje’. Then… The pageant was over. We went home.
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Christmas passed like it always passes. Nobody mentioned Mila… Not even her own mother, although I’m told that she did leave town a few months later. A few times, I considered asking about what happened in the forest. What I saw… What I did… Maybe my parents would know, or some of the others in town who had arranged the pageant. Maybe they’d understand why they sent Mila and I out into the forest. Maybe they’d have an answer.
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But I’m ashamed to confess that I never gathered up the strength to do so. To this day, I’m not sure if it was the fear of facing the guilt of what I’d done, or the fear of truly knowing what was out there that kept me from asking. Perhaps it was a bit of both.
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Even if I never could ask about it though… Sometimes, I caught my mother looking at me and the expression in her eyes was… It reminded me of the way the man in the forest had spoken to us, before we’d departed into the woods. There was a deep sorrow there. The implication of a heavy truth that couldn’t be spoken. I never asked my mother about it. To this day we’ve never spoken about the Christmas Pageant. I don’t think we ever will.
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What I know for certain is that when I was 12 years old, I participated in a ritual of some sort. One child, held in high regard by the community, sacrifices one that the community holds in low regard.
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Perhaps it is necessary so that the Old Man continues to sleep… Perhaps if Forsel were ever to fail to perform the annual ‘Christmas Pageant’, he would wake and find his feast elsewhere. I don’t doubt that would be a calamity. Maybe that’s just something I choose to believe, so I can tell myself that Mila was wrong… That I had to kill her. That we couldn’t have just walked away. I really don’t know for sure. Maybe I’ll never know.
​
I have not returned to Forsel in years and I’ve never been back around Christmastime. Even the year after my last year in the pageant, I begged and pleaded to stay elsewhere on Christmas. I spent those two months staying with a friend, going to school normally and trying as hard as I could not to think about Forsel. It always crept back into my mind, though. Always.
​
After my grandparents died, my parents moved to Forsel full time. I was old enough to strike out on my own then, so that’s exactly what I did. I still talk to them, but I very rarely visit. I tell them that a flight to the Netherlands would be too expensive. It’s a good excuse.
​
I haven’t seen the Christmas Pageant ever since my last year participating, but when I was down in Forsel last, about five years back, I couldn’t help but notice that the town seemed smaller than before. There were more abandoned buildings and fewer people. I can’t imagine there are a lot of children left there now and somehow, I doubt that those who’ve moved away are coming back just for the Holidays. There are precious few things left to tie anyone there anymore.
​
My parents don’t talk about the state of the town, but I can hear it in their voices. Forsel is dying. It’s dying the same slow, drawn out death that countless small communities have died in the past. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. Part of me is almost glad but part of me… Part of me is afraid of it... I can hear the dread in my parents' voices whenever they dare to mention Forsel… From an ocean away I can almost sense their fear of the upcoming holiday season.
​
How many children are left in Forsel now? At least one less every year...How many people are still putting together the pageant?
​
How much longer can they carry on?
And what happens when they can’t?

I'm in a rocky place mentally, and it's about my relationship. (I'm F24 he's M24, I will call him Dave, we've been together for 6 months). I'm planning on talking with him about this tonight when he's not busy. It's unrelated to his ex, but certainly seeing her isn't going to help.
Anyway, Dave's had one relationship before, they lived together for two years. It ended about seven months before Dave and I met. That apartment has had tons of people from the friend group move in and out, and everyone that's ever lived there has photos and other items that stay there indefinitely. This includes his ex (F24 who I will call Jill) which has been really hard for me. Like, Dave's old roommate put up a bunch of polaroids over the years, including Dave and Jill together, and I've had to accept they're essentially part of the wallpaper. Still, it's embarrassing for me that there's all these photos of Dave and Jill together and barely any of Dave and I. It makes me feel temporary, but I don't want him to redecorate or get rid of photos that aren't even technically his. Jill is going to grad school abroad now, but coming back for the holidays, and she and Dave barely talk but are still in the same friend group and group chat.
Before she went to start her semester abroad (she will be going back for the next few years but visiting in between), I saw her twice at parties. She has a new boyfriend (fake name Rob M25) but that hasn't stopped her from referencing the old relationship. For example, I was talking about a backpacking trip I had returned from, and Jill brought up the time she and Dave had gone on a similar trip. She didn't even tell a story or anything, just 'Oh my gosh, Dave, remember when we went backpacking together?' In front of Rob. Rob and I made eye contact and we both made a face, like I can't believe Jill just said that wtf. I talked with one of Jill's friends and she told me that she has a hard time letting go of Dave, and she even told Dave she was going to be single for a while but ended up with Rob as a rebound. Rob seems to be taking it well, but I think I come off as taking it well too. It's awkward all around.
I've fallen in love with Dave, he doesn't love me back yet, and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with Jill still being in the periphery. If it does have to do with her, it's more like Jill is the only relationship he's ever had and is probably comparing us that way. I compare Dave to my exes too, not out loud or anything, I think it's something everyone does, and I've found that he's much better than anyone I've dated before. Hence why I've fallen in love. I desperately need to discuss this situation with him, but knowing we are going to see Jill in like 2 weeks and this unrequited love isn't resolved between us, it just sucks. I'm not as close with Dave's friends as she is, and I don't want to pull him out of the plans for NYE or refuse to go.
Dave and I have talked about what it's like to have Jill in the periphery, and he doesn't seem to get how hard it is for me. I've tried telling him, none of your friends have to deal with an ex being around. None of their girlfriends do. There's no other photos of a couple that's broken up in your apartment. I don't aim to cause problems but she isn't exactly tactful and it's difficult for me.
TLDR: I've already got to deal with my own feelings in our relationship, and now I have to deal with ex (Jill) and whatever she might throw around at the NYE party too.
I'd love any kind of input about how I can steel myself for this interaction and would feel reassured by stories of people who have gotten through similar situations. (ALL NAMES ARE FAKE and don't even resemble the real names)

It all started nearly 5 years ago. I [now 29M] was studying abroad for my masters and thought I met my soulmate. We got engaged and less than a month later I find out she cheated on me. I thought I was going to have this wonderful life in a country and a person I fell in love with. All of that disappeared in the span of less than 2 months. We split up and I had to go back to my old country.
I have never been the same.
I haven't had a good job since coming back. After 4 years of trying to become a teacher, I had to quit due to a bad work environment and the extreme panic attacks. Being a 1st year teacher during a pandemic was awful timing but with an alternative certification program, I had no choice. I now barely make ends meet. No more panic attacks though (yet).
I have not had any luck dating either. Since coming back July 2017, I've been on several dates with maybe 5 women and have only had 1 kiss in that span. No sex, I'm not the hookup type. Never gotten past a 2nd date with any of them. Online dating apps are awful and has killed whatever self esteem I had left. Very little matches to just end up being ghosted 5 texts later if I can even get past the opener.
I mean why should I try if I've been cheated on by all but one of my exes? The one ex who didn't I tried to get back with when I moved back since it was a peaceful mutual breakup since I was moving. She invited me to a lake house party and flirted with and almost hooked up with another guy but got too drunk and I had to take care of her and the other guy who she was flirting with then drive her home the next morning. I'm not meant for love apparently.
I'm so tired. I made a stupid promise back in high school with my sister that I'd never commit suicide and that was the dumbest decision out of all my dumb decisions in my life. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like this. With the holidays coming up and all my family coming around, it feels worse. I'm the only single one in my family. All my siblings are engaged or just got married this year. All I ever wanted in life was to find my stupid fairy tale romcom happy ever after. I always said I wanted to be a husband and a dad when I grew up. Not an astronaut or football player like everyone else. I finally concluded that I have to give up on this dream and bear this curse. Time heals all wounds is bullshit, convince me otherwise.

Dear redditor,
This will be quite a long story, but I want to give you a full picture of the situation. I can imagine you just read the TLDR, no problem but please let me know if you only read that part if you decide to give me advice. Your feedback and thoughts are very welcome so I can have a neutral opinion (friends and family are on my side obviously) on this matter... Here it comes
How it started
So last february I matched with a girl (Chinese, 26, I was 24 at the time) on Tinder who striked me as pretty. We started talking and and I grew to like her over the course of weeks. We seemed to naturally connect and we talked at least a few hours every day. After maybe three weeks she came forward and confessed the girl in the pictures aren't of hers. I wasn't too angry about it and even though she wasn't as pretty as the other girl, she had a charming appearance. Anyway at this point we had exchanged phone numbers and continued as if it didn't happened.
Incident 1
After about two months of chatting and getting to know eachother better we played the game of I'll tell you one of my secrets if you'll do something from me (usualy very innocent things). I was keeping a secret and she would say 'I will do something for you' and let me decide what it was. I asked for a picture of her in lingery and she didn't take it too well. She ended up sending angry messages of how I betrayed her trust. (It's worth noting I displayed romantic interest befor this). She was very upset and didn't want to talk to me. After getting barely any response for two weeks, I decided to travel to her city (275 km travel, one way) to have a chance to make things better. While I was traveling I updated her om how far I was and halfway she started responding and we set a time to meet. So we walked around her city for some hours and I brought her favourit drink, a dutch snack she hadn't eaten before and a beach towel and sat down at the city channel to enjoy the ambience of kingsday. Lovely day. Everything was alright again.
The ultimatum
One day after speaking with my psychologist (I was recovering from psychosis and it resulted into depression), I told him about this girl and what I felt for her, but that she had no romantic interest in me. I explained that it would only result into a painful ending for me when she would get together with another man. So I came up with the idea to offer her an ultimatum. Either she gives me a chance by going on a date, or I would stop having contact with her. I gave her the ultimatum. She thought about it for a few days... Then came the answer after I said I really want to know her answer. She said she wouldn't go on a date with me, because she knew it would result into nothing and wanted to save me the effort.
In the end I couldn't go through with my ultimatum and nothing changed... It was a false threat.
The drugs
In the months after we met, I got into drugs and told her actively about it when I did it and what I used (no addiction, just when hanging out with friends or at parties). Eventually she discussed with her friends about my drug usage. They told her I could be dangerous and she should stop having contact with me. So now she proposes her own ultimatum to me: 'Either you stop using drugs or I end our contact'. I thought about it for a while, but gave in. I stopped using drugs.
Another girl
Somewhere after the ultimatums, I met another girl at a party. We hooked up and decided to go on a date together (no feelings, but I wanted to give it a shot) eventually after trying to set a date it didn't happen and she lost interest in me. Oh well...
The Chinese girl knew about this. Since we share everything she knew about what was going on. A few weeks after the other girl came into play, she notified me about something. ',I think if you really like someone you should focus on that person and not go after someone else'. I figured she was right, so I deleted Tinder and stopped looking for others.
Incident 2
About two months later in summer, the second incident happened. I decided to send her a picture of my back that was sunburnt really badly on holiday. Bad move. I was in my underwear and it was visible. She explained she didn't like it because she doesn't like to see the male parts or anything that resembles it. She got angry and ignored me. So I wrote a song for her, sang it, put it on instrumentals and sent it to her. Not impressed. About a week later I managed to get her to call me and after talking for an hour we decide to stop contact for one more week and then go on as before. And so it happened. She explained to me that if a third incident would happen, she would block me and never see the likes of her again.
The smoking, drinking, friends and recovery
This all happened over the course of the past months. I picked up smoking again after having quit for half a year. Pack a day. I shared this with her and she wanted me to quit. We were planning for a second meetup and she kept trying to convince me to quit. She said she didn't want to meet me unless I quit smoking, because she hates the smell. I wanted to quit before, but this gave me the final push and a deadline to do it. So I picked up the miraculous Alan Carr book for the second time and when I finished it, I didn't touch a single cigarette for a long time. (Still going strong for about 3 months). I also had a reoccuring problem with drinking too much. She didn't like it. Naturally I tried changing this. Only had one bad experience with alcohol in the last few months while still having the opportunity to abuse alcohol. Next thing she didn't like was the fact that I hang out with friends every day of the weekends, because I wouldn't reply fast enough to her messages and wasn't available for watching movies and or calling at night. She made the fair point that if I'd ask her to go home when she's with friends, she would do it... So I tried to balance my friends and her in a better way by not staying for too long with friends in the weekend, which allowed us to call or watch a movie late in the evening. I kind of feel shame when I tell my friends that I go home because I will watch a movie with a girl that (at this time she explained she had feelings for me, but wasn't interested in starting something) had no romantic interested in me. Don't get me wrong, I really like her presence, but this is something that I think isn't necessarily good for me.
Second meetup
We decided to meet for the second time. Incidently we scheduled it at her birthday, so I brought her a (a bit thoughtful, but last second effort, nothing special). Also I spent the weeks before that creating mooncakes and made a batch for her to enjoy. (Fun story, I forgot to give her the mooncakes at the end and had to mail them). The day was amazing even though we did nothing special. And she was lovely. I paid for our diner, the drinks before and an expensive trainride and told her she didn't have to pay me back. A few days later I asked her to split the bill for the diner, because I was in money problems. She said no problem. End of story(you'd say...)
Going to China?
In the meantime I was scheming in doing my graduation internship in China. She was a big fan of this idea. A few days later, she wasn't a fan because we could lose contact. But I kept my mind set on this idea, considered taking Chinese lessons (I realise learning it in a short time, I had about a year, is impossible). I can't deny that it's probably because she wants to take a dutch man back with her to China and I wanted to be that man. Therefore I wanted to understand Chinese culture more and get a feel for what it's like over there. It is worth noting that I got mixed signals before this (such as sending I love you gif's and missing me while I was on holiday and barely had time for her)
Third meetup
After the second meetup I invited her to come to my city for a light's festival. And so it happened. I prepared food her aunt used to make for her and they only serve in one place in my country. She ended up loving it. We also went to a gaming hall because she wanted to play a claw machine and I ended up winning something for her after many attempts(she played as well). After barely having any time to visit the lights festival, she went back to her city. Great day, but the spark wasn't there.. Also I told her I could travel with her halfway to her city, because she really disliked being in public transport alone, but forgot I did and decided against it when she reminded me. She expressed no gratitude for anything. I said thank you for coming, she says you're welcome. Later I explained how I felt about it and she said that the fact that she didn't show it, doesn't mean she didn't appreciate it. Fine. I also told her the feelings that were there last time weren't there. She was a bit upset and said that if there was a spark that day we could maybe have gone on a date. Okay... Eventually, we brushed it off and blamed it on the fact that we were both tired.
Activities
She picked up many activities. I decide to do the same (swimming and painting). I ended my gym subscription (bored of it after 7 years) and got a subscription for the local pool. I really like swimming. I picked up painting with the idea that we can find landscapes to paint in summer and find beautiful places. Turns out I like painting as well even though my work (after 3 lessons) looks like what a 6 year old would make. So I did it for her, but enjoyed the process of it. Also I managed to find a job next to my studies that is in my field and gives me relevant working experience. Everything is going great.
Having doubts
Last few weeks I start having doubts about the plan of going to China for the following reasons: -Most people don't speak english -I'm in the IT field and I doubt my studies/knowledge is worth anything in China -I don't know if I can live without Google(I know about VPN possibilites) -I imagine living conditions won't reach what I have in my motherland -Having to leave my friends and family behind... I'm still saving up money for the internship abroad, but consider doing it in a country closer to home. I'm not sure I would even want to go there.
Fourth meetup (incident number 3?) So this is why I'm reaching the end of my rope. She's not talking to me again for a few days and it's come to the point where I don't have the time or energy to deal with it. (which seems hypocritical considering the fact that I'm making this post) We were going to visit a Christmas market. I made the promise of picking her up halfway to my city and bringing her home that same day. My city is basicly inbetween hers and the destination. A few days later I told her I would really appreciate it if she came to my city and it would be more fair. The drive would be about 8 hours and I would be too tired to srivr back home after such a long day I'd imagine. Also we would have little time. She says she will take public transport both way, because that's what's fair. I explained she didn't have to do that. Then things got worse... I ruined the impression, next she wanted to cancel the plan because it's the third time I didn't keep my promise. I already prepared and bought some (in my opinion) pretty great christmas gifts for her. She wants me to return them or get rid of them. No solution seems right for her and would make the harm I did to her right. I sent her the estimates of what the day would look like and tried to make her understand that what I promised her wasn't realistic, very expensive and could be dangerous (never drove for this long at night after a long day) Only thing I said past two days is good night when I went to sleep. Today I got a message though... A screenshot of her week schedule with a big cross drawn through our meetup. I really like her but I'm reaching the end of my rope... advice?
Some notes
-Both of us haven't been in a relationship before
-It is the first time in six years I feel like this for anyone and I wouldn't do this stuff for anyone.
-Her presence in my life inspires me and helped me through my recovery from psychosis and depression. She has had a very positive influence on me and makes me a better person. I'm thankful for this, but she said it wasn't thanks to her.
-We never went further than hugging
-As far as I know, she also stopped looking for a counterpart before I did.
-I'm a changed man since we met in february
-I used to call her for hours talking about my suicidal thoughts. And she tried helping me
TLDR:
I'm in love with a girl and do (I think) a lot for her, but she has no interest in me. However, she and the most of these things I did have had a very positive impact on my life. Now she's (in my opinion out of proportion) mad at me and ignoring me for two days. I'm reaching the end of my rope. What do I do?
-Is this normal?
-Am I hardcore simping?
-Should I just suck it up?
-Is it a normal reaction?

This is aRepost
OP is u/Planetsahead/
TW: Mental Illness, Animal Abuse, Depression, Assault.
Part 1
TL;DR for the whole saga
​
UPDATE 3: Tokyo Drift
Hello everyone, it’s been about 2 months since the peeshow started and i’ve gotten a lot of messages and comments recently asking for an update and in general most of them were nice and lovely (as always there’s of course exceptions but at this point of my existence i’m resigned to them and assume are just part of internet culture).
First of all i’d like to apologize for taking so long to update, i know there’s a lot of people very curious about everything that’s happened with Ted’s family but i just needed some time to process things but here i am sharing yet another miserable piece of this story so you can all be in peace. I’d also like to welcome the Facebook people, i appreciate people telling me where they’re coming from because i didn’t know the power of reddit before i made my first AITA post.
Anyway, Ted asked me for time apart, he himself is going through a lot of things and has a lot of feelings that me being with him makes worse. He has a lot of guilt and opening so many closets with skeletons and facing them is a lot to ask of anyone. We’re not officially divorced but we are not looking for new houses together either. We are still in the process of selling our old place so he’s been staying there while i stay with my parents. I don’t know what’s going to happen once the sale of our place is finalized or what he wants to do but i promised him space so yeah, there’s that. He did give me permission to update you all because despite some hateful messages and comments most of you are incredibly sweet and helpful.
Here’s the breakdown of Ted’s family tree updated counting the sisters.
B stands for brother (of ted’s), S stands for Sister
B#1 doctor with some type of military background. Wife, 3 kids. B#2 surgeon, wife, 2 dogs and a bearded dragon B#3 engineer, fiancé and dog B#4 teacher and researcher, wife, 1 kid S #1 B#5 ??? Works in IT not sure of details, wife B#6 doctor, single and ready to mingle B#7 “chef”/ businessman,wife, 1 kid B#8 car sales, wife, 3 kids, fish S#2 & #3 B#9 Ted (might be ex-wife and cat) B#10 Ash
I didn’t just randomly throw in the sisters to “add a little bit of spice” to the fucked up situation i’m living through, sorry to disappoint. I didn’t count them before because well, i don’t mean to be insensitive to anyone who has lost family members but i’m going based on what i know of that family. All 3 sisters were born and died before Ted was even concieved, there hasn’t been a single second of his life when he’s had live sisters, so he doesn’t say he has sisters he only says he has brothers, so I don’t count them because to me and him he doesn’t have any sisters.
You guys are wild, the theories you came up with (some more accurate than others) vary from completely reasonable to undeniably insane, but based on what you (and I) know of this family insane runs in the family. Anyway, no, they weren’t all murdered. Sisters #2 and #3 were twins and died of a birth defect, my bad for saying genetic. I don’t know why a lot of people assumed it would be something specific only to women, their lungs weren’t developed properly or something along those lines (that’s all Ted knows and as you know i’m not on speaking terms with his family to ask more questions) and they died a couple of weeks after being born while still in the hospital, so no chance of any of the brothers doing anything to them.
As for Sister #1 she died in a motorcycle accident when one of the brothers was driving while intoxicated while underage. Why didn’t i just say that upfront? Because it’s none of my or your business, it wasn’t relevant to our situation and i honestly think people deserve privacy, so i’m not telling you either which brother it was so you can choose whichever you want to fit your narrative.
A lot of people have been asking about the dirty secrets their mom forgave them for, I’ll share the ones I can and have permission to share. I’m not giving out which # brother did what, just #7 because i had already shared that so there’s no point hiding it now. I just copied and pasted the comment i made then.
There's 10 brothers total, brothers 1-4 are your stereotypical older brother golden child striaght A students. So Brothers 5 and under were used to having to live up to the expectations the oldest 4 had set up. It was expected that all of them excelled at a sport, had good grades, go to college on some type of scholarship (because paying for 10 kids colleges is hard) and have a career. Brother #7 didn't want to, he is a brilliant guy he just thought it unfair that his life was dictated by competing against his brothers, so when he graduated high school he said he was studying abroad to become a chef but that his scholarship would only cover partial tuition and no room and board. So his parents were super proud that their son was studying abroad to become a well known itnernational chef that they said okay as long as you keep up good grades and cook us your signature dishes when you come home for holidays and stuff. So he moved to NY with 4 roommates and faked his international life. He is not one to use social media much so he didn't have to prove anything, and he just had to make sure to call his parents at hours that made sense with the 'time difference' and since this was before technologyhad advanced much he didn't have to videocall him or anything, he just made up some really good stories to tell during holidays. He kept the money he was receiving from his parents to pay his 'tuition and boarding' and invested in something which ended up making him a lot of money so then he moved back to the west coast and said he was managing restaurants now. It all came to light when one of the oldest brother's daughters said she wanted to go to the same school that brother #7 had and if he could take her there and show her around and by that point he had enough money that there weren't many repercussions to be had. But he still is the one to cook thanksgiving and christmas dinner because he does cook rather well
So here’s the list of things I know (because Ted, their mom, or the brother in question had told me) that they did with 0 repercussions from their parents:
•Stealing and totaling at least 2 cars (same brother both times) •Stealing a car (different brother) •Leaving grandma alone for the week when they were supposed to care for her •Stealing and selling things from the house and other brothers •Getting into fights that ended up with police involved •Getting into fights that did not end up with the police involved but did end up with a trip to the hospital •Skipping school events (like senior trip and those) and pocketing the money •Public nudity, public indecency, public urination (i guess it does run in the family?) •One stalking incident that ended up with a restraining order •Plenty of underage drinking •Plenty of driving under the influence
Where is the dad? Well, last i saw him he was in an urn in the living room of their mom’s house, so hopefully he’s still there? Growing up he was an ass, incredibly mysoginistic and an abusive father and husband. He was a decent grandfather to his grnadkids but take it up with them if you want to say anything about why would you expose your children to such a horrible human, i don’t have children of my own.
Ted’s parents were, and she still is, very traditional and appearances are the only thing that matters to them. Having a perfect family with prideful sons and beautiful daughters is all they wanted, i’m not justifying anything but the loss of their daughters did affect them and the family greatly. Why did they have 2 more kids after everything that happened? They really wanted a daughter again and tried 2 more times before being unable to have any more children, i don’t know if they would’ve kept trying, or if the fact that she is unable to have more children made things worse.
What happened to Ash? I don’t know. I’d like to say don’t know don’t care but i do care from a human standpoint. After being in therapy i feel a little bit more empathetic at this point and i know he is sick, so i do care and hope he is okay and will be able to heal and move forward, i just wish that to happen very very far away from me. I don’t know if he’s still institutionalized or not but i do have it in good authority that he’s staying far from me.
So that’s that for that family, hopefully this answers all of your questions about them. As always a big shoutout to B#6 for being great, he has been very supportive throughout everything and in general he’s a good guy and still single and ready to mingle if anyone is interested (he made me emphasize that when i told him i was updating again). So if anyone in the west coast is looking for a cute doctor with a crazy messed up family he’s your guy.
Tortilla has very much appreciated all the love, affection and praise. As i mentioned in a comment at some point i’m sorry for not paying the cat tax but right now i’m not comfortable sharing pictures of anything, including Tortilla, with anyone (nothing against you personally just me being insecure after everything that’s happened) so i do apologize for that. Since i’m committing tax evasion i will tell you she’s a black cat, she’s named tortilla because i’m not great at cooking and the first time i made Ted tacos i completely forgot the tortillas were in the oven and got completely charred.
As for me, well, everything sucks and everything will continue to suck for a bit bu that’s just life. I had to quit my job (after already quitting my other job) so i’m currently unemployed and freeloading at my parent’s but my dad says he doens’t mind he just wants me to be okay and i love him because of that, it’s nice having my sisters around and even more cats to play with Tortilla. I’m still in therapy which is basically all i can do with my life right now. On the bright side i am sure none of these cats had ever been brushed as much as they have been these past few weeks so they’re all extra shiny and handsome.
That’s all for today, sorry for the long read
​
UPDATE 4: Return to Peetown(Newest)
I’ve written so many updates throughout the year, some while happy, some while sad, some while drunk but decided against posting them trying to give you a proper end to the peegate saga, but I realize real life doesn’t have a proper end. There will always be more things happening. Hopefully this will be the end of it for all of us and I can move on and you’ll get the satisfaction of how things ended up to date, i truly hope you do, I also hope writing this and giving it to you brings me the closure that i need too.
I’m writing this update now since i’m in a good enough place right now to open up and appease my guilt about the lack of updates. It’s really nice of most of you who have checked on me throughout the year, It’s crazy to me that it’s been almost a year and there’s still new messages and kind words filling my inbox. I’m sorry if i haven’t replied but please know that i read every single message and it warms my heart that there’s so many lovely people out there wishing a random stranger such kindness.
I’ll admit a part of me is always afraid of writing an update, part of it comes from the real life repercussions of publishing things online like being identified, which I have been, the other part is also the finality of it, it’s odd but i kinda feel like if i don’t tell you guys about it then i can just pretend it’s not real? It’s not particularly healthy and my therapist has pointed it out so i’m putting on my (cat hair covered) big girl pants and facing the facts.
It’s a little crazy to think that this all started just a few days into the new year and just how close we are to it again. I remember spending new year’s eve curled on the couch with Ted and Tortilla wishing for 2021 to be a year filled with adventures and excitement. I guess i better watch my wishes for this upcoming year. I don’t even know what i’ll do that day, perhaps i’ll pack Tortilla and we’ll go on an adventure since i certainly don’t plan on just staying on the couch reminiscing about the peeshow of a year we’ve had. I will admit tho, it was a damn comfy couch and i miss it terribly.
I love Ted, I think a part of me will always love him. I’ve spent such a long and important period of my life with him that it just feels weird to not have him in my day to day life. Short story he asked me for a divorce, so there’s that. It was as amicable as a divorce under our circumstances can be, we cried during the whole process, he called me to ask for forgiveness, i begged him not to leave me, but ultimately, as much as it hurt, it’s what he needed to heal from everything that’s happened. We’re still friends, we’ve been best friends for so long that even if that aspect of our relationship is closed off we are still here for each other.
I know you’re not here to hear about my heartbreak and you probably just want the hot goss and juicy details so i’ll share what information I have. Just bear in mind that now that we’re split i’m not privy to a lot of things. I’ll break things apart into sections so it’s a little bit easier to read, but it won’t be in chronological order just to keep things organized.
My ex-family
B#8, wife, 3 kids, fish and cat: I haven’t heard from them since the divorce, but prior to that i know they adopted a kitten, his name is Bob.
B#7, wife, kid: No idea, haven’t heard from them, haven’t asked.
B#6 AND HIS GIRLFRIEND!: He is not single or ready to mingle anymore! I’m really happy for him and his new girl is truly amazing. She is a fellow redditor and had read the peegate saga and loves him still even with his messed up family. I’ve met them a few times throughout the year and she truly is lovely. Of course they have their ups and downs and issues with the other brothers but overall they’re doing great.
B#6 actually came to visit me after Ted asked me for a divorce, he hugged me and told me that i would always be his little sister no matter who i was married or not married to. It’s been incredibly bittersweet to lose my husband and half oy what I considered to be my family, but at least i got to keep a brother (since i only have sisters).
B#5 and his wife: He has never liked me and i finally found out why. He isn’t particularly fond of Ted. As you know the brothers were not nice at all while growing up and apparently #5 was the worst of the lot and didn’t like it when Ted would stand up to him or defend Ash and hasn't liked him since they were little. I have had 0 contact with him nor do i intend to.
B#4, wife, kid: They have stayed pretty much the same, they were always nice. B#4 did ensure that Ash was in all of the do not adopt lists of any shelter, shop or vet around the area where they live. He says that even if he does great for the rest of his life that he is not risking another cat (or any other animal) going through the same thing if his mental health declines. So at least i left that family with the reassurance that future cats will be protected from Ash which honestly did make me feel a bit better. There’s always the chance he’ll get a stray or someone will adopt one for him but B#4 reassured me that he’d do anything in his power to make sure it didn’t happen again.
B#3, his (now) wife, and dog: They got married!! When the saga started they were just engaged. It was a really nice ceremony that i did not attend even though both bride and groom said that i was welcome and should come as i was family, Ted said he wanted me to come but i honestly did not want to ruin any more family pictures. I did attend through zoom tho that’s how i know it was nice.
B#2, his wife, 2 dogs and dragon: B#2 was really helpful when everything happened and was one of the first to take action. He apologized profusely to me both for the original pressure of letting Ash move in, then for what happened, and he was specially apologetic on the role he played in his brother’s mental health. I thanked him for the first 2 and told him the third one wasn’t mine to accept. He was understanding and said that he’d work on helping his family’s relationships and that it wasn’t fair that I was the one to pay the price for something that wasn’t my fault. After the divorce he reached out and told me if there’s anything i need he’ll be here for me. In general it was a nice sentiment and I know he’s in therapy now too so that’s pretty great.
B#1, his wife and 3 kids: As you know B#1 was the most outraged about his whole situation since it did affect one of his daughters. Last you guys knew they had asked me to stay away and give them space but his oldest daughter did reach out to me. She’s a sweetheart and told me that she missed how life was before everything happened. I did not ask exactly what her parents told her but I assume they had to tell her some version of events since she is old enough to ask the right questions.
He did not end up pressing charges, but they did end up moving. Luckily for daughter #1 they moved to the east coast and she found an amazing culinary program that she’s very excited about. Daughter #2 (according to her sister, mother and therapist) is doing great! Apparently she never had much contact with Ash outside of big family events with other people and the reason as to why he was taking his feelings out on her picture was more because she is the spitting image of her dad, not strictly about her as an individual but about who she represents and the fact that she is a woman (i’ll go into that later). She’s still in therapy but is very annoyed about it, claiming that this has nothing to do with her and that she’s upset about moving and leaving all of her friends.
So in all B#1’s family is safe and adjusting to life on the east coast but still keeping their distance with me. They have not liked the weather so far but I did tell daughter #1 that she’s welcome to visit anytime and B#1’s wife and i are friendly enough that she’d let her. B#1 and I have not spoken since everything went down, any and all communications have been through his wife and daughters.
The wicked bitch of the west: Some days for the fun of it i’ll go into JUSTNOMIL and convince myself that at least mine was not as bad, some others i’ll see some and wish I could have one whose worst action was wearing white to my wedding. We were never best friends but she wasn’t always awful to me. Living on the other side of the country there was always a barrier in our relationship that i think we were both comfortable with you know? We didn’t have to interact with each other much and were okay with it. She had so many other DIL that lived nearby, that gave her grandchildren that i just wasn’t as important to her. I still called her on her birthdays and anniversaries, and she always invited me over for the holidays.
Whenever we would go over the holidays the house was always so filled with people that i was just one more or one less and i was comfortable with that, i think that’s where my doormating with this family started. I tried to be as much help as I could and would do anything to help which in the long run backfired on me. I think the most time we ever spent together was during our wedding planning.
Our wedding was never that important to Ted or Me, we just wanted to be together. Our parents on the other hand were dying to have a big wedding. I’m the first of my sisters to get married, and with the age gap between Ted and his older brothers there hadn’t been a big event like this in a while. I don’t regret marrying Ted one bit, I could do without the big wedding tho. I do wish we could have gotten married at the courthouse with just the 2 of us, or maybe eloped to vegas and gotten married by Elvis. I don’t even know if they still do that but it sounds just as if not more memorable than a huge 200+ wedding.
I remember when we finally agreed to the big wedding how ecstatic she was. It was like for the first time i was more than just another DIL out of the pile. It’s stupid but it felt nice you know? To feel like i was finally accepted into the inner family, even if it was at the cost of a huge wedding. I tried to involve her in the process as much as i could, with 10 sons i figured she didn’t have a lot of opportunities to do girly stuff.
She was lovely to me then, perhaps to get her way and i was just too naive to see it. I stayed the golden DIL for a while after too, i think until another grandchild was born and then i was happy to be out of the spotlight. Going back to our comfortable coexistence. It was exhausting to be in her favor with all of the expectations that come with it. It's a little crazy to think back and remember feeling how much i wanted her to like me, and now thinking that i’d do anything for her to not know of my existence.
After Ash got committed to a psych ward she did everything within her power to bring me down. I went NC with her and with most of the family for a while but slowly made amends with some of the others, of course not with her. I saw her once when she came with some of the others to pack up Ash’s apartment. She went to my parent’s place just to yell at me which was awful.
The worst part is that she timed it up so well, my parents were at work, my sisters were at either work or school. It was just me sobbing on the other side of the door. I heard the doorbell and went to open it and saw her. She didn’t even pretend to be civil and just laid it out on me. She brought up every single thing i could have possibly ever done to her and her family, she told me i was a failure of a wife, that she hoped i got ruined during the divorce and she would make sure that her son took absolutely everything from me. That she wouldn’t rest until I was destitute. That she was grateful I was barren because she couldn’t stand the idea of tainting her blood with mine.
She said so many awful things that day but that last one is the one that stuck the most. Ted and I were never trying to have children, but we were also not trying not to, we figured we were stable enough that if it was meant to be it would be but it never was. Does it make me an awful human being for being thankful? My parent’s neighbours called the cops and they escorted her out of the property. That’s how my sister found me just sitting on the floor crying with Tortilla. She called Ted and i guess he got the story from B#5 who i guess is the one who drove her and i just never saw him. I haven’t heard a peep from her since. I don’t know what Ted told her or what she told him, i just know that after that day she has left me completely alone and i’m grateful for that.
Ted, the most okayest ex husband in the universe:. I could tell you a thousand things about Ted and tell you none at all. It just feels off to not be with him but I try to respect his needs and wishes. As you know he asked me for a divorce on the grounds of “i cannot do this to you, i will never forgive myself for putting you in this situation, i don’t want to expose you to my family ever again and let them hurt you” I was upset because he was making a decision on what he wanted for me without taking into account what i wanted myself but after very long therapy sessions i came to realize that while he was wording it as doing it to protect me it truly was to protect himself, or at the very least appease his guilt.
Perhaps not having me around helped him feel like nothing had happened, or he truly thought that this is what was best for me. It just sucks because i always considered what was best for us, not me or him but us as a team, but then again his solution was to not have a team. There are days when i wake up cursing his name and shadow, some other where i just stare at my phone and consider calling him. Some days i even lose that battle and do end up calling him, he always does answer and reassures me that he’s there for me.
Anyway, we sold our house and he of course moved out. For a while he moved to the west coast to fix his family issues while the divorce was being processed. He did come back as his job is here and he loves his job. I don’t know if i should be glad he’s still here in the city that was our home or if i should hate him for ruining an entire city i love. It sucks that every place i want to go is filled with memories of him. Perhaps it’s me who should move and start over somewhere else where people don’t know my dark pee filled past.
I’ll tell you a bit about Ted’s adventures in the east coast later, this section is life updates. Some people expressed concern for him and have also been sending him well wishes in comments and messages, I passed them along and he says thank you. I’ll copy and paste that bit of the update i wrote (but didn't post) the day he came back to town and asked me to meet that is about you redditors. I apologize in advance, it was not a good day.
—-I was never one to use reddit much, I wonder where my life would be without you now. I probably would’ve let his family continue to doormat me and who knows? Perhaps i’d be with Sunny right now and Ash would’ve gotten all of his life’s dreams come true. To this day i still get messages wishing us both well, part of me is jealous to have to share you with him, why does he deserve your well wishes when i’m the one who ended up alone? You guys are bigger and better people than i am. I did tell him you guys hoped he was okay, i’ll admit i did tell him partly to hurt him and make him feel guilty, perhaps i’ll regret it some day but i just needed him to feel something other than pity for me. You know what’s the worst part? He laughed, admittedly a dead man’s laugh but the sound still bothered me. It’s not fair he gets to laugh. He said thank you, that one day he hopes he’ll be the man you guys thought he was or could be. He also said sorry to disappoint you all, that he knows this is not the ending you wanted for us, although some of you did wish this outcome at the very beginning. I don’t know if you’ll have changed your mind after all of the updates or if you stand your ground that i should leave him, but well, he has always liked being ahead of things and left me himself. —-
Other than that Ted is as good as he can be, just like me he has good days and bad days. We meet every so often and check up on each other, he tells me what’s going on in his life, i tell him how i’m doing. After his mom’s visit to my parent’s house i moved out again. I haven’t invited him over to my new place nor do i think i want to, i think having a place without memories of him or his family for the first time in a decade is what i need right now. Tortilla misses him but i try to convince myself she understands.
The peeman himself: I don’t even know where to start. When Ash was first committed after the fight with his brothers when B#3, B#4 and B#8 first came to help sort everything out at the very beginning he stayed there for a few weeks. While he was there he asked to see Ted multiple times which he never did, but he did at one point write him a letter. At that point i didn’t want to know what it said but at some point i did ask Ted about it. He said he had written telling him to stop asking to see him, that he needed to prioritize himself and his life over him for once in his life and stop putting him (Ash) above his own needs.
After a few weeks B#3 arranged for him to be transferred over to the west coast, i’m not sure if he was transferred into a different facility or if he was released into their custody. Once that was finalized (which took about 2 months) is when their mom and B#5 and B#7 came to pack up his apartment and officially moved him back west.
Eventually or right then, as i mentioned i’m not sure of that exact timeline, he moved in with their mom. B#2 was the one in charge of overseeing he undergoes treatment and i trust that he continues to do so. When Ted went over i guess to have it out with his family it was hard. He met with his brothers first, i’m not sure if all of them were there but i guess the most involved ones were.
From what Ted told me B#3 told them a bit of what he had been talking with his doctors while he was here in the east coast. He was treated for a psychotic episode i think. After that he’s been in treatment ever since, i’m not sure what the exact diagnosis is but they did talk about a lot of things. They talked about their upbringing and how their bullying had an effect on Ash, how Ted’s protectiveness created an unhealthy emotional attachment, and a few other things came to light. I don’t know if these are conclusions they came to or if they were told by Ash’s therapist or exactly how they got there but this is what Ted told me when he came back.
It was weird listening to him talk about it, he was so detached like he was talking about someone else’s family but i guess it’s his way of processing things? I don’t know. Many of you asked at some point or another what type of bullying they could have done to make him turn out like this, well Ted answered some of those questions for me.
For the sake of being consistent i won’t tell you who did what, per usual you can choose your own brother to fit your narrative, just know that while some brothers are remorseful and regretful for their behaviors, apparently some others aren’t. Many of you also took a few guesses at the type of tormenting they did and some were more accurate than others.
Apart from your regular standardized bullying of punching, humiliating, mocking, tricking and insulting there was also locking in cabinets, stealing his clothes, leaving him outside all night long, locking all bathrooms so he’d have to wet himself, threatening with a variety of items and weapons, leaving him at places and making him walk miles to their house in a variety of weathers, put him in diapers, antagonize him, tie him up and drag him on atvs through the property, dumping water on him and leaving him in cold weather, itching powder in his underwear, i could go on but you get the picture.
I know some people don’t get along with their siblings and that bullying and sibling rivalry is a thing but it just seemed so evil when he was describing it. What could he have possibly done to deserve it? I don’t get it. It doesn’t excuse his behavior but it does explain a little bit of it.
His hatred for women comes from a similar place, the general consensus is that he blames his mother for not protecting him from all of that, making his view on women as weak and useless. If his own mother couldn’t protect him from his own brothers who could? I guess in general his brothers didn’t help with that growing up because they would alienate him from any girls who showed any interest in him.
That’s how his emotional attachment to Ted began, he was the only one standing up and defending him. But we all already know how that ended. For now and hopefully ever Ash is staying west. I’m sorry i don’t have more definitive answers for you, i’m sure many of you were expecting them but i also can’t bring myself to ask any more questions.
When this all started when i was right out of school i kept 2 pairs of shoes that had been part of the pee incident. I threw most of everything else out but those 2 pairs. The first pair doesn’t matter to you guys, the second were the first thing i bought with my own money from my very first internship while i was still in school, they represented the very first step (hence why shoes) to my independence.
Having to quit both of my jobs, moving in back with my parents, and losing Ted sucked. And i just thought of those shoes stashed in a box and how unfair it was that i had lost all that the shoes represented. I’m slowly building my life back up again, moving to my new apartment and getting a new job are the first steps, i guess i’ll see what the future holds for me and tortilla. I haven’t worn them since they were peed on but maybe i’ll wear them again some day when i feel like a whole person again.
Happy Holidays Reddit, i don't know how mine will be but i certainly hope yours are filled with light and joy.
Much love from my tattered heart,
Ellie and Tortilla the cat
Edited to fix the links
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Note: These Reposts were made with the blessing of OOP, she is very nice and said she might stop around sometime.

TRIGGER WARNING: Sensible topics involving verbal abuse, loneliness, depression, mental health issues, manipulation, death.
This is kind of a dark story. I'm just starting to process the trauma, and how this will deeply affect my life from now on, and I will probably have PTSD from this. There is a long, long series of events that lead to today, and I can't list them all because it would really take too much time and space, I'll try to sum up the most important parts. Also, sorry about grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.
So, I think this dates back to 2012 or 2013 or so. At the time I was bullied at high school, and I wasn't having a good time. I was bullied because I was shy, ugly and I liked studying. I felt so lonely and abandoned by everyone. To top it off, I realized I was gay, and so I had to hide this from people at school and also family, because I didn't trust anyone. In late-2013 I menaged to find a boyfriend. At the time I was 16, so I was still a kid. I thought I could finally breathe a little bit, because I finally found someone that gave me attention and actually cared about me. (We broke up after six months, which is to be expected at that age, but that's not the point). I decided that I needed somebody to support me in my family, since I didn't want to lie about this and desired to live freely, at least at home. In September 2013 my father decided to leave my mother and move out. I don't blame him because the situation was dire and the atmosphere at home was heavy. It has been like that as long I can remember. My childhood was basically me staying in my room all the time and not interacting much with my parents because I could sense the really unhealthy and heavy atmosphere in the house. Anyways, he left and moved to another house not far from here. I had to choose one of my two parents to tell them about me being gay. Since I was living with my mother at the time, I decided to tell her. This was a terrible, terrible, decision. Since I didn't have the courage to do it face to face, I decided to leave her a note. As soon a she found out about it, she called me and she was literally SCREAMING in fear. She told me to come back home immediately, or else she would call the cops on my boyfriend. I was scared to death because I didn't expect things to go south so badly. I came back home and I tried to calm her a little bit. The next days were terrible, since she would just cry and she was visibly shocked. I suggester her to go see a therapist, since my father leaving (despite the fact that she hated him and viceversa) plus me being gay could be a little too much for her to bear. She obsiously refused and told me she's not mentally ill. (Typical reasoning of people that are 50+, to them mental pain does not exist. As long as you don't suffer from some kind of physical illness, you're fine). My suspect is that she has always been depressed, I don't know what caused it. Anyway, from that moment on, she got much worse. She would scream at me all the time for silly reasons, accusing me of things I didn't do, calling me names, telling me I was a shitty son, that I was mentally ill and was plotting to kill her. She also told me that everyone was manipulating her to make her believe she was mentally ill. (Actually, people were suggesting her to see a therapist, that's it). As time passed, I grew scared of her even more.
Here comes April 2015. Let's introduce my uncle and aunt, (M and P) and my cousin (C). We were having a lunch at my mother's house for Easter. My cousin was 10 and her parents didn't really look at her, they just left her wandering into my room, where she would make a mess. This has been going on since she was born, by the way. She would open all my drawers and empty them on the floor, and not clean up. She would steal my nintendo DS and play with it, and then deleted saved files. I couldn't say a single word about this, otherwise I would be called names. The only thing I could to was to constantly guard my room so she wouldn't make a mess. That day I got distracted, and as soon as I went back to the room, I found my cousin sitting on the floor, again with pencils, pens and everything on the floor. I decided I've had enough and went confronting my uncle about this. Basically he said that I should be the one to tell her to stop and educate her. I replied that he was supposed to do it, not me, and he didn't do a good job so far. My mother was petrified and told me I should stop embarassing her like this, that I'm a shitty son and I shouldn't dare to talk to my uncle like that. My uncle started hating me from that moment on (I think he's always hated me, by the way, I have reasons to believe it). After a couple days she was still angry at me and decided to kick me out of the house and that I should move to my father's house (by the way, she's been spending almost all the time insulting him during the last 2 years). I was offended and still scared by her alarming behaviour, so I went there and decided that I would never talk to her again unless she apologized. This never happened.
July 2015. I haven't spoken to my mother for 3 months by now. However, something bad happened. She got some exams done and they found a brain tumor. She was immediately sent to the hospital and they did surgery on her. She recovered quite well. Before the surgery she called me and we had a chat, where she pretended that nothing bad happened between us. After the surgery she asked me NOT TO GO SEE HER. I did it anyways to see how she was doing, and my father came too, despite all the received hate. She told us to go on holiday together and that she would go for 2 weeks at M and P's home. At the time I was 18, she decided that she didn't want me to see her in that state. She probably did this to protect me in her own way. Since the huge problems between us weren't solved and I didn't really know what to do, I decided to let her go to M and P's place, since they told us they would take care of her and not to worry. Note that at this point my relationship with her reached a point of no return because of all the insults and the violence she did to me, and I really didn't know how to handle the situation. I could barely talk to her because I had no idea what to say and generally felt constantly attacked for one reason or another. By the way, my uncle and aunt lied to us, and started hating me and my father even more, we were accused of not caring about her. They started telling her I'm a shitty son, that I'm spoiled and don't deserve anything et cetera. When we came back she hated us even more, and kinda changed her mind about not wanting us to see her in that condition. My relatives set her up.
So, the following years were tragic. She completely recovered from the surgery, but the cancer was at the last stage (IV), so she had to be constantly monitored. I didn't know anything about this, because she (and my relatives) decided to tell me that she was fine and that was over. By the way, she kept spending her days insulting me and tell me horrible things, which include 'You are a shitty human being, I'm sure you will stab me and I'm scared of you', 'You have women so much and that's why you fuck men'. At some point she kicked me out of the house again. I was sad and scared of her behaviour, because I legitimately didn't do anything to her and tried to support, only to get hate back. The day I got my bachelor degree (in physics with the highest possible mark. I'm not saying this to show off, but because it doesn't justify what she told me) I was told that she hasn't always liked me as a son, but that day she was satisfied. She did this in front of my friends and part of my family (yes, my uncle and aunt were there too).
Let's now jump to the end of 2020. I noticed that she was having troubles walking properly and using her right arm. She told me not to worry about it, that she was fine and her exams were ok. Another lie. The thing is, she lied to herself in the first place, because she refused to admit that the cancer was back. Anyways, my father noticed that she wasn't really ok and called my uncle, to ask him if he knew about the situation (my uncle is her brother, maybe I should have mentioned it earlier). He told him, in a really pissed way, that my mother had stage IV cancer and this was normal, and I should have known about it. When my father told me, it was bad. I knew that my mother had to die. I also got extremely angry at M and P because they knew this all along, and yet they refused to tell me and kept accuising me of not taking care of my mother. I was furious. They sent me some emails trying to fix what they just did, accusing me further of not caring about her and demanding that I came back home (at the time I was living in a separate house closer to the university) to look after her 24/7. I refused, telling them that it wasn't my duty to do it, and that we should pay a caregiver (we could afford it). I had to finish my studies, plus I had to take care of my mental health (which had improved since I moved out to live alone). Let's not forget that I came back home every single weekend and spent time with her, despite all the insults and the hate (which didn't stop). So basically I had an argument via email with M and P and I decided that I should remove them from my life. For my birthday in March they sent me money (trying to buy me) and I refused it. They want to pretend the family's all right and nothing's wrong, so they couldn't allow me to stop talking to them, which basically broke the family apart. I mean, they've been extremely manipulative with me and they were trying to pin all this situation of me.
Let's now move to the final arc of this story. My mother got worse and worse. I saw her one weekend this September and I could tell that she was close to her end. We were expecting some medics to come visit her. However, she didn't want me to stay with her that day because my aunt was coming. I told her that it wasn't a problem for me, but she wanted me to leave at all costs. So I did. That was our last argument. The following morning she woke up and while going to the bathroom she collapsed and kicked her head on a table. My granpa (which was there to look after her, I didn't leave her alone) called an ambulance, and so she was sent to the hospital.
Here comes the worst part. While they were calling the ambulance, my aunt arrived and went with her. She informed everyone: her friends, relatives, et cetera. Everyone besides me and my father. I found out about this 5 hours later, because one neighbour called my father and told him about this. When I found out I started panicking and called one of my mom's friends, telling her what happened. She told me that my aunt had already informed her and everyone besides me, and if I wanted info I should call her. I was furious. This bitch knew everything and didn't tell me a single thing. I was also furious with my aunt, for obvious reasons. I understand that you can hate somebody, but this behaviour has NO JUSTIFICATION. I called her and since I had had enough, plus I was enraged, worried and was panicking, I decided to tell her what a shitty person she is, and she should be ashamed of herself. She replied that she wasn't supposed to inform me, and that I'm a shitty person that tried to manipulate her daughter (Just because I told her that it's not normal for her mother to tell her she's fat and ugly and generally stupid whenever she disagreed with her on something). I ended up the call telling her she's a bitch and she cannot manipulate me anymore, and told her to fuck off and never talk to me ever again.
So, my mother didn't receive damage from hitting her head, but she's now in a hospital bed waiting to die because the tumor got to a terminal stage. During these months I got attacked by my relatives again and also some of my mom's friends, telling me I'm a shitty person. I've been going to see her three or four times a week, while they haven't almost gone at all. They probably feel guilty and want to pin this on me, because they can't admit to themselves that they are horrible people. I told every single one of them to fuck off and never talk to me again. As of me, I'm feeling tired. I'm tired of receiving all this hate in life and can't stand it anymore. Honestly, I hope my mother dies as soon as possible, so this curse can be lifted and I can finally move on with my life and be happier, hopefully.
By the way, I have many friends that supported me and I'm really glad about it. I also menaged to get my master degree as well. I started going to therapy in order to deal with all the hate that I've received during these years. I'm planning to start a PhD abroad because I don't want to see this city anymore, because too much horrible shit happened. I also want to find a loving husband and leave all this behind. If someone asks in the future, I'll tell them that I never met my mom and I don't have any uncles and aunts or cousins. I want to delete the very existence of these people in my life (including my mother) forever because they ruined my past and present life, I won't allow them to come back and ruin my future as well.
If someone read this, what do you think? Also, thanks so much for reading this huge post. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, there is so much to say, this is only a small part of everything that happened to me with my family, but I think it can give an idea of how shitty these people are. If you have any advice on how to handle the situation, I'm glad to hear it

For the past 4 months I've been living abroad. It's been 4 weird months. Right before leaving I broke with my GF. Amazing girl. Way out of my league. Made me wanna be a better person. But our relationship was no good. I tended to just wanting to comply her.
Anyway. 4 months later Im getting back home for the holidays. Super excited. Have a nice party planned. Going to the beach for new year's with my family. And even started talking again with the Ex. Like a lot. We even bought tickets for Spider-Man and were planning a romantic trip for the weekend after new years.
Everything looked amazing. After 4 months of relatively a lot of freedom, trips and parties I genuinely felt good. I wasn't living my best life but... I felt growth. I stopped caring for everyone's opinion. Mainly my parents and the Ex. But I was about to enjoy both things without having to committ to anything.
And suddenly appears that the Ex might start dating someone. Idk who that is. My money it's on his BFF. The guy 'you don't have to worry about'. And suddenly everything felt appart. (I'm still not 100% sure of her status)
I'm not mad at her. She is single. She doesn't own me anything. We can still meet as friends I supposed. (Not going on a trip if She is dating someone tho). But suddenly I feel the same boy that left my home town 4 months ago. Really wanting to comply that girl. My parents warned me that if I got involved with her I would get hurt. And I did. Now I feel like the weight of their thoughts and judgement.
I don't wanna loose my character development. I feel more and more that I'm not the main character of my story.
Right now I'm feeling better. But today I woke up puking of the thought of her and that guy.
I don't wanna loose my character development. I'm starting to feel more relieved. Like I finally can try to live my best life. My heart aches. But it feels like trying to heal it will be a good process. Maybe finally and fully letting go of the idea of being back together it's what I needed.
In 10 days I go back home. Then 21 after that I'll come back to try maintain my character development.

Hello, first time posting here.
Some background: I (26M) am a medical professional, doing a residency in a very busy hospital. My ex-girlfriend (26F) broke up with me 7 months ago. It was a long-distance relationship since I study abroad. I could only see her for 3 months a year. It lasted 3.5 years but we just couldn’t carry on. I am an average looking guy with a fit body and an introverted character. I do have some anxiety issues as well. Not socially active outside work.
Last year, a new girl (26F) enrolled in a residency program in our department. She is beautiful, fun, intelligent and very confident. It was a joy being near her. So we quickly became friends but not very close. We got closer after my break up with my ex-girlfriend. She also opened up about her past, abusive relationship. After some time, we got closer and closer. She could easily talk about sexual stuff with me. She is a virgin but is really into sex. She got more comfortable with me and started to touch my arms and shoulders. She compliments me and says my ex-girlfriend must be dumb to break up with me. Then some weird tension built up between us. I felt very attracted to her and I thought she is attracted to me. But I wasn’t sure about it and also my summer holiday was close, so I decided to postpone this “flirting” stuff. I went back to my country for holiday. We mostly spoke on a close friends group chat. I only texted privately and said I missed her, she said she missed me too.
I turned back from my holiday this September. I wanted to see her so bad, so we meet up. She wasn’t so close to me that day. But since we work in the same department, seeing each other every day, some flirting started again. It is on and off thing. She is sometimes close and sometimes so cold. My feelings for her are growing each day. When she touches me, hugs me or puts her head on my shoulders, I feel so blessed, so happy. But when she is cold, I feel so bad and unwanted. We went on a 3 hours car trip 3 weeks ago, we held hands almost all the time in the backseat, and I also kissed her on the cheek a few times. My feelings just exploded after that day because I felt intimate and it made me feel so warm.
I am not sure if she feels the same about me or she is just being a close friend. Because she does the same stuff with her other close male friends. She gives me mixed signals. I want to tell her that I have feelings for her but I don’t have the courage. What if she doesn’t feel the same? I see her every single day. Not telling her is also eating me from inside. I started to feel very down lately. If she feels the same, I still don’t know what to do, because I will graduate in 15 months. What if we have a relationship and It will turn into LTR? I don’t want to experience LTR and the pain of a break-up again. Also, is it a good idea to date your co-worker you see every day?
I feel lost. Should I open up to her? It is eating me inside. Some advice, please.
TLDR; I have strong feelings for my residency co-worker and she gives me mixed signals. I will also graduate in 15 months. Should I open up to her?
P.S: I don't want to make this post long and boring. You can ask me anything you want to know. Also, English is not my native language, sorry for mistakes.

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF ASSAULT, DOMESTIC ABUSE AND SUICIDE.
Hey, so I'm new to reddit but slightly addicted since I discovered it last week through accounts on IG. Soon realised that this would probably be a good place to get opinions from people who don't know me so can't be bias. I apologise in advance because this sh!t is sooooooo long and in all honesty I don't know if Reddit will allow me to post everything in one post because in order for you to understand I have to give you context. Again I apologise for how long it is and won't be surprised if no one bothers to read but if you do, here it goes...
So where do I start? The beginning...
I (26F) am the eldest of 4 children, (19F, 10M,11M), my mother (42F) had, we ALL have different dads & she has been a single parent for the majority of my life. Which isn't so much a problem but like I said, you'll need context in order to form an understanding I suppose.
She had me when she was 17 to a man who she later claimed didn't bother with her or me since before I was born. I grew up thinking a different man (We'll call him D) was my father, who also left her when I was young - I don't remember the age. From what I do recall, he was abusive, one incident stands out to me at around the age of 3 where he beat her and there was lots of police involved at the house. But one thing stuck with me to this day that that was how she had a certain scar... now whenever she was asked about this scar later down the line she'd lie which again wasn't an issue, domestic abuse isn't really something you'd want to share so I get it, but she'd even lie to me about it and the whole time I'd be there like 'No I know that's not what happened' but at the same time never said anything cause well... I was approx 3, can I really trust a 3 year old me's version of events/memory? probably not. But moving on...
Now during my years growing up, D had nothing to do with me. Never stayed in contact, never came to see me, nothing. I formed the opinion that he was a major asshole! He was the epitome of deadbeat dad. The few times he did bother with me was when my mother let him back in our lives very briefly and even then he was more concerned with her. So, as you'd expect, I was salty af towards him.
Later down the line though at age 13/14, my mother decided to let me know D was not my biological father. 'Great, cause he was awful' I think at the time but then goes on to tell me that someone perhaps just as sh!tty is, we'll name him F. Remember F, because he comes into the story a little later.
Now before my brothers were born, life was at best... chaotic! We moved every year from the age I turned 6, sometimes even two or three times in some years. I went to 12 different primary schools and 7 different secondary schools, so was always the new kid, in a new area, trying to yet again find my feet. This was because we were constantly in and out of domestic abuse shelters for women and families who flee their perpetrators, all because my mother had a terrible choice in men and almost every relationship she had that I can remember was abusive. I know this, because I witnessed a lot of the things that happened. I was my mother's shoulder to cry on. I saw her black and blue. I'd call the police. I'd make sure she was okay. I'd wipe her damn tears. I even fought one of them off after he threw her down 2 flights of concrete stairs! And still to this day, she insists that she sheltered us kids from EVERYTHING and will blatantly call me a liar if I tell her any different.
I don't know, maybe, it's denial or maybe she's gaslighting me... you can judge as you read on.
From the age of 11/12 I began suffering greatly with my mental health as a result of my childhood, witnessing the things I had going on a home, being constantly dragged from city to city, experiencing a pretty traumatic house fire at the hands of one of my mother's ex boyfriends and on top dealing with being bullied whilst I tried to fit in to these new places. It was a lot!
The decline in my mental health went unnoticed for years. I was the eldest, my mother had her own sh!t going on and I didn't want to be seen as 'over-sensitive' especially as I seen what my mother went through and if she was able to just get on with life then so can I right? It made sense to me at least. That was until I was 15, I had a health scare where I found a lump and had to go through the process of doctors trying to find out whether it was cancerous or not. By this point my mother had gone on to have my younger brothers. Being a single parent, she had to look after them which unfortunately for me meant, I had to put on my big girl pants and take trips to the hospital all by myself without any support. I was understanding but it ripped me in two. What topped it off was during those trips back and forth to the hospital, I remember looking on Facebook at the time to find she had made various statuses saying how difficult this time was since her own mother had passed twelve years prior due to cancer. I tried to justify her behaviour, putting it down to maybe the situation was just too close to home for her. But we never sat and talked about it all, which made me angry. The fact she could use this situation, a situation I WAS GOING THROUGH WITHOUT HER SUPPORT as almost a way to gain sympathy from others. I was outraged. But again, I dismissed how I felt as I thought the situation was probably WAY harder for her.
After that my mental health declined further, I'd always had issues with eating that I wasn't entirely honest about and this caused me to be very very skinny. It didn't help that I was a naturally slim and tall girl, so people rarely noticed until school began commenting on my eating habits and absence from school due to me being so depressed. I dropped out of prom. Spent my last year, hardly ever there and only went in for my exams. It's safe to say, doctors definitely thought I had an eating disorder and with them noticing my low moods etc tried to refer me to children's mental health services. I remember going back home after that doctor's appointment and trying to open up to my mother about it. Her response? Nah, you're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. Why would you need that? I never spoke to her about it again.
Unfortunately the years following didn't get any better. We continued moving often and my mental health just got worse and worse to the point of self harming and the idea of suicide constantly looming.
By age 20, I was kidding myself that I was okay. I was working three venues for the same employer, three different job descriptions. I was also studying on top of that. I made sure that the money I earned, the majority went to my mother unless there was things I needed or fancied a treat. I'll also mention, I was forever buying my mother gifts just because!
Working so much and trying to study... and dealing with more bullying (Yeah I don't quite understand how you get bullied at 20 years old either) really made me low and depressed. I began partying as much as I could and ended up putting myself in risky situations were I ended up being taken advantage of. This wasn't the first time though that I had experience sexual assault. But I had never ever told my mother of what happened when I was younger. This time she found out as police were called etc. My mother had a new partner at the time (of whom I actually quite liked, he had kids from a previous relationship who we all got along with and although at times I thought he was an AH... I realise now he was just being a 'dad figure' lol) & I think it was like a day or so later, he told me my mother said to him that she thought I was lying about the whole thing. I can't really remember much of what happened after that but she tried to push the blame onto him when I confronted her and soon enough they were no longer in a relationship. I had no reason not to believe my mother so never thought to question it again.
Fast forward to a few months later... during this time both my mother and I are working at the same venue, only I'm a barmaid and she is serving the floor as a waitress. A well known regular begins to show interest in me, always asking to take me on dates etc. I let him know I'm not interested, he weirded me out, was not my type at all, I'd hear from others he had baby mama drama and he was like 30 something. Not my cup of tea lol. My mother on the other hand was really trying to push the idea, telling me I should go for it as he had a job and a car and would be more mature, blah blah blah! I'm like 'No thank you.'
Long story short, we all (meaning staff, including my mother) decided to go on a spontaneous night out after our shifts ended as we where all on close. Unfortunately, due to the same regular customer hanging about he ended up invited too. Later on into the night, everyone's separated off doing their own thing, I'm trying to find my mother as we were going to be headed home together. Regular customer out of no where starts grabbing me and groping me to which I manage to push him off and run to my friend in a panic. At some point I find my mother and we go home. Over the course of the next week or so, I tell my mother what happened and she tells the majority of people at work. Everyone warns him off me. His stepdad even gets wind of the situation (also a regular) and he warns him off too.
2 weeks later... My mothers on a late shift. I'm babysitting my siblings back home. Everyone is in bed and I'm sat in my bedroom located next to hers. She only strolls up the stairs and into her bedroom hand in hand with the regular who grabbed me, next thing I know they're having sex.
It was at that moment I had a mental breakdown. I lost it, I ended up being sick in the bathroom toilet and went to my room to get my quilt and headed downstairs to sleep on the sofa. My mother then came downstairs and went berserk at me for being an attention seeker and various other things. I responded by telling her she was a stupid b!tch who chose multiple men time and time again over her children and she was vile. She tried to hit me and I went to hit her back, but my younger sister appeared out of no where and basically jumped me. (She was a teenager at this point) Don't remember what happened afterwards but that was how I got my first hospital admission.
My mother made matters worse by coming to the hospital I was inpatient at, with the same man parked outside. Which enraged me. All I could think was 'how dare she bring him here?' Somehow we got on the subject of my past and I told her about how her family friend had assaulted me when I was 8 and how everything that contributed to my life after that was probably the reason why I was now mentally unstable. She responded by asking me 'Well that happened in the past, what am I suppose to do about it now?' baring in mind this was her first time hearing about it. We would later come to know that this same family friend ended up being investigated for paedophilia more recently and my mother only then decided to acknowledge my experience.
After being released from hospital, my mother kicked me out of our family home and moved the regular in, stating she couldn't have me around my younger siblings due to my mental health. Luckily I was housed by the authorities but due to the feeling of isolation as well as my mental health I took it upon myself to relocate to London.
During my time in London, situations of which I won't bore you with lead to me meeting my biological father F. I ended up moving in with his parents and soon discovered his mother was not a very nice person. I was accused of faking my mental health and verbally abused also. I moved out quite quickly and went to stay with a friend.
I soon found myself having to leave London altogether when this so called 'friend' assaulted me in my sleep. I rang my mother the morning after the incident and found out that she was in fact on holiday. Not abroad, still within the country and possibly around 3 hour drive from me but nevertheless she was on holiday. She told me to go into a domestic abuse shelter by ringing the hotline. I did so and found that the only space available was in the midlands of the UK. I fled that morning, packing all my things and making my way to the train station and up to the midlands. It was one of the scariest and lonely moments of my life.
In this particular shelter, there seemed to be a lot of girls around my age at the time (22) we were encouraged to bond and spend time together as all we had was each other. A few months go by and I'm having telephone contact with my mother. She never comes to see me and I don't go to her. I'm hurt but I put my big girl pants on and get on with it. Freshers comes around and all the girls in this shelter decide that it would be a great idea to go out. It was a chance to feel normal. I'm invited and I go too. I don't drink much alcohol and because I'm one of the eldest I take on the 'mother role' and make sure everyone is safe throughout the night and that they get home to shelter safe too. Whilst hurdling the girls into a taxi I bump into an old acquaintance - someone I dated for a very brief time. Nothing ever became more of it just being friends. I was surprised to see him and it felt nice knowing I knew a friendly face in this city I knew no one. He asked for me to hang about and have a drink, I said okay with the intention of having a couple at most and heading back, after all I'd just spent my night practically babysitting and as mentioned it was nice to see a familiar face.
That night ended worse than I could have ever imagined. Without going into details, I was assaulted by three or four men. After finding my way back to the shelter and making it threw the door, I burst into hysterical tears and before I knew it the managers/staff and police were called. The men in question got away with it, after months of investigation and 'lack of evidence' they were set free and that was that. Before I knew of what the outcome would be, I remember phoning my mother to tell her what happened. She was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing and just told me I should be more careful. Nothing more was said of it. I felt so alone. I cried for months. But looking back she was probably right, I should have been more careful. It seems that I constantly kept finding myself in these situations. So I must be at fault right? Like how does this sh!t happen to you more than once?? Once, yeah, Twice, maybe, Three times, nah... Just how??? No wonder my mother never believed me.
But anyway, carrying on... After that, I found myself in an abusive relationship quite quickly. Really and truly should have put my arse in therapy but I think I was feeling so alone and unwanted that anything anyone could have said wouldn't have mattered. My ex was manipulative, controlling and overall a horrible person and unfortunately I discovered I was pregnant very early on and by then it was too late.
I will give it to my mother however, this time she came to my rescue. By the time I was 8 months pregnant and she realised to the extent of what was happening she came to pick me up and take me home. As you can probably anticipate though, my mental health was even more delicate that it once was... I was weeks away from my due date and living with my mother and the regular who was now her fiancé. She'd even had the audacity to ask me to be her maid of honour, obviously I refused, to which she couldn't possibly understand why not. They both remain under the impression to this day that they haven't done anything wrong at all. Now either I'm insane and far too sensitive or I'm right and this whole story is fxckeddddd!?
Not long after I gave birth, I ended up with PND and psychosis. My mother began making comments such as 'just get on with it' which made things a lot worse. Instead of getting me the help I needed, she wanted to kick me out. I decided, because my abusive ex partner knew my mother's address, that I should go into shelter once again, this time far away from everybody, in the south of England. That way I'd be doing my mother a favour at the same time and getting out of her house.
Now I'm realising that this is already farrrrrrr too long so I wont go into detail about what's happened the past 3 or so years. Just know there was a lot of drama surrounding my ex and his family. I eventually found mine and my child's forever home a 35 minute drive from my mother and siblings, as she claimed she wanted me and my child close. I provided everything in my property on my own, and only asked for help once or twice from my mother which she reluctantly agreed too. My mother, although she had a car, would want us to go and see her and the family on weekends and because I didn't drive and rarely used public transport due to my MH, I would spend £90 per back and forth trip each weekend.
Whilst on the subject of money, I was forever letting her and the regular borrow money from me from time to time for various things. I would never be paid back. To this day, she owes me thousands. And to make matters worse, she often got things like cable or loans in my name once I was of age, which ruined my credit history as she'd stop making the payments.
I soon stopped making those trips after a disagreement with my mother and realising that this relationship wasn't a healthy one. I began going to therapy and decided enough was enough and went no contact. It didn't last long though as she got my younger sister to let me know I was using my child as a weapon by not letting my mother see them. So I unwillingly reached out.
Since getting back in contact with my mother more problems have arisen and so I've chosen to limit contact more and more by only responding to her when she messages...
My mother has a habit of constantly badmouthing my younger sister to me and vice versa, I only realised this as I have no contact with her and when we did actually speak, she knew about certain things happening in my life. Not only that but she's always played us off against one another, I know this because I've caught her out on a few things over the years but never made it known that I know in order to avoid drama. It was more just a confirmation for myself realising that I'm not as crazy as everyone makes me out to be!
Along with this, I noticed how she became very unnecessarily mean about my new relationship (Well we've been together over a year now) she began making sarcastic and unnecessary comments about my partner and his mother (more so about his mother) despite telling me how happy she was for me that I found someone and had support from both him and his lovely family. She even one time, when I had a pregnancy scare, told me I should not tell my partner about the pregnancy and I should go and get an abortion.
She then refused to come to my child's baptism, after making a fuss over my younger brothers and her wanting them to be my child's godparents. Even though they'd never been baptised and weren't really all that bothered about the idea. But I made arrangements for them to be able to be godparents nevertheless and my mother let me know a week prior that they wouldn't be attending.
She was then suppose to take my child out for a birthday outing, then didn't make contact until the day before to cancel due to illness and tell me she would rearrange asap. This never happened and so I never made contact again and it's now been a few months without hearing from her.
AND BREATHE...
Firstly can I say it's just been so nice getting this all out on paper, sort of lol. Again I apologise for how long it is.
So here is my question AITA for ghosting my mother?? Am I the problem or is she???? Because genuinely at this point I don't know, I have a feeling that you'll all call me the AH and I'm prepared for that, but if you do think I am please can you tell me why and give me some advice? TIA

This is aRepost
ORIGINAL by u/Impressive_Mix_2559/
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My sister is my Dad’s golden child and no matter how much I try to get him to see me as her equal it never works and I believe she takes advantage of it. Usually is not much of an issue, but this week some things happened which were the cherry on top.
I‘m hopefully getting married next year and she asked if she could invite her inlaws because they will come next time she comes over. I said OK only because my parents are paying but I know she just wants to do it for the attention. So she will have at least 4 people from her political family there and for sure parade them around. Also, my parents are about to have a big anniversary in November but they are postponing any celebration because my sister, who lives overseas, doesn’t want to travel so long until things are even calmer. BUT LAST MONTH SHE WENT ON A HOLIDAY TO A COUNTRY NEXT TO HERS.
I was having lunch with them and my fiance when they informed me they are moving their big celebration to next year and I couldn’t handle it anymore: I said to my Dad “of course you will postpone, we should all stop living until she is here” he said it was uncalled for and I was making a big deal about something that had nothing to do with me and my Mom said they will of course have something intimate and I was as important but I don’t believe it. I stood up and said to my Dad “I am so sorry the love of your life is not around but the most important woman in your life should be your wife not your daughter”. After that I left.
The next day I felt bad and tried to call my Mom who refuses to speak with me and just sent me a text telling me I was bitter and was hurtful and need help. But they and particularly my Dad hurt me with their desire of giving her such a prevalent role in their lives when she has lived abroad for like 10 years. My Dad blocked me and my fiance is worried they won’t pay for the wedding anymore. My sister, trying to be the center of the universe as usual, tried calling me but I didn’t reply.
I gave it a few days but my parents haven’t contacted me. My sister stopped trying to get in contact with me but she contacted my fiance to “check on me”. I visited my Grands today and she told me I need to apologize because my parents love us both but we are different and so got different things so I began to wonder if I was the asshole.
I just want some days where I am the most important person to my parents and still believe that my sister’s golden child status should be addressed and corrected but maybe I was the asshole for the way I expressed it?
Edit: I am (26M), my fiance or fiancee is a woman. English is not my first language sorry.
I also want to clear out I don't think my parents are bad people but just bad parents.
Edit2:
This is long time coming. My sister (33) and my Dad have a little club. She is smart, reading since 4 and all that. Since she was very young my Dad used to take her to visit his clients in a nearby city and sometimes she would stay with one of his best friends who owned a book store and she has a very large book collection that my parents refuse to throw away, even when I tell them to send them to the woman (Dad’s best friend) or my sister. They talk almost daily and discuss economics, politics, etc. I am not interested on any of those and yes he tried to take me with him but I was always bored and did things like going to my games or getting us stadium tickets for our team but I feel he likes her more. My Mom on the other hand has ups and downs with my sister because they are very different. The last issue was my sister’s weddings 5 years ago(YES SHE HAD TWO) one intimate where she lives and another in our country, and my Mom wanted to have her dresses made from a special fabric and my sister put a budget limit on how much the dress was going to be and even wanted to wear the same dress for both things. They had an argument but in the end she had 2 dresses but with the budget. She didn’t even let me bring my gf (future wife) because she wanted it to be intimate but there were like 50 people there. My Mom told my fiance she would be buying or making her dress SINGULAR, my Mom and fiance have a very good relationship so I am sure my sister was involved somehow in convincing her of that.
Sister has a Phd that my parents paid for and doesn’t work in the family businesses at all, only consults sometimes and pretends she doesn’t want to be paid for it. My parents supported her until she got a job and every time she graduated for the Masters and the Phd we had to go to Europe to be there. I work in a family business so I know they have to talk to me eventually even if they are angry. I could give more and more examples of their favoritism towards her. I also don’t hate her I just wish she would let me shine on my days.
And yes the wedding would be a gift but if they were willing to pay for two and many dresses and honeymoon then I deserve the same treatment!
Edit3/Update1:
In case anybody wants to know (you might be happy about this)
I got a message from my Dad telling me to be in a family zoom call, to say everything I want and everybody will take turns. He said if I didn’t attend he will pull out his funding from our business so I had to go but told him I will ask my fiance to be in too.
It was me, fiance, parents, sister and her husband. The moment I connected I noticed my sister was pissed. I was the first to speak, I told them all my feelings and even brought up the fact hey are treating my wedding differently and even what some commenters brought up about my parents leaving the businesses to my sister. I spoke about how hurtful it was they preferred her, they seem to talk to her about serious things and she gets so much and they all think she is great etc. Nobody said anything or interrupted me, which is very common in serious family talks. Then they asked if my fiance wanted to say anything and she bravely said she felt she was not part of the family and she always thought they thought of her as a daughter and she stands by me.
Then it was my Mom’s turn and she told me she was sorry about my feelings, that they tried to do things I liked and that they love us both equally. She said it was sad I pretended everything was ok and they didn’t know how deep it was but she still thinks I need help. She then told my fiance she loves her but my sister is her only daughter.
Then it was my Dad’s turn. He said he is sorry I feel he doesn’t like me but he isn’t sorry for loving his kid. He said I didn’t mind the tickets, cars, or even living in a house rent free and he is disappointed. He said everything they own will be divided 50-50 when they died and if I didn’t want my sister to have anything to do with our business then I can buy him out. He said they will pay for my wedding no matter what because it’s something they always wanted to do for they kids but are not happy with me. He also told my fiance that she should be grateful and not greedy.
By then I was upset with the lack of apologies and the attack of my fiance but I held it.
Then my BIL told me he didn’t know how I feel about his family and he just assumed his nuclear family would come just like I was at his brother’s wedding. He said no hard feelings over it.
Then it was my sister. A thing about my sister is that when she is truly angry she doesn’t swear or screams, she is just really cold, hard and to the neck. She said she could feel me distancing at around 10-11 when she visited from uni and I was not included in some conversations with my Dad. She said she accepted being my guardian at 18 if my parents died so she had to be brought up to speed on all matters and didn’t want to stress me out. She said she could have been a better sister and she was sorry I grew so full or resentment but that her career path had nothing to do with me. She reminded me I was offered to go abroad but I didn’t want to. She reminded me that I have gone on holidays with her and let me know those holidays were paid by her or her husband not my parents (news to me). She said she asked me about her inlaws coming because they need to plan the trip around my wedding. She said my fiance and I were only 7 months together when she got married and that she didn’t want my parents to have to pay for her trip. She said that the reason she doesn’t want to get paid for consulting is because she thinks is not right but that next time she will invoice me her actual hourly rate since I am so insulted by it. She said she went to the Netherlands (from Germany) because she was truly burned out and is pathetic I think is the same as taking a 10 hr plane. She said my Grandma was the one that told her everything I said because my parents tried to protect me and that she was done with me for the moment until I get therapy. And the last thing she said was that she loves me but doesn’t like me at all right now.
This is obvious summary but the was she said the things is something I have seen her do to people but never to me and I almost cried but she had no niceness in the eyes. My parents said they can get me therapy or I can find it myself and that if I don’t try something to help myself the wedding is the last thing I will get from them. What made me feel worse is how my sister spoke to me, she has never talked to me like this even when we argued so I know she is serious.
I got my A** handed to me. Yes I am jealous and the asshole. I am upset my fiance is crying but I think I need to evaluate what my next move is.
Also we are from Latam.
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UPDATE
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I haven’t been able to sleep and decided to read all the comments again. I tried calling my sister because even if yes I am jealous of her it still hurts me the way she talked to me. She refused to talk to me but I could speak with my BIL. He said the reason she doesn’t want to talk to me is because I hurt her deeply and she feels emotionally drained by me and knows if we talk she will say more hurtful things. This made me realize how much I love my sister and the problem is me. I still have bad feelings and feel I have been slighted, I can not say I am magically a different person but my family has never talked to me like they did and my sister has always defended me and I thought she did it to look good. I am beginning to think maybe she actually loves me. I am very confused.
My BIL is an amazing man too and he told me to just get help and give it time but I am unsure what to do or where to go, he told me to research therapists and pick one and he would help me choose if I want his help. He also said I should stop thinking my family doesn’t care that they are not perfect but they do their best. But he also asked me what is my fiance’s family contributing to the wedding or our lives and I could not think of anything. She lives with me, works with me and her parents are not paying anything because they say my family is better off. I don’t know where that will go but I did tell her I need help because I became a monster so no wedding until my family issue is fixed. She is crying but said she understands.
My Grandma said that she told my sister because my parents just told her there was an argument but not what I said, looking back what I said is disgusting and I feel bad about it. She said my family wouldn’t react so strongly unless they love me a lot. I asked my Dad if I can take some mental days off (noit a thing in my country) and he said it sounds like a good thing and reminded me they love me and just want me to be happy and not just pretend to be happy.
Also, the books are in her walk in closet in her bedroom at my parents. They still have a lot of my stuff in my bedroom and my parents said I am welcome to Sunday meeting whenever I feel ready to go. I also must admit that she did two weddings because my parents asked if she would be willing to do so. My Mom wanted to get her super fancy dresses and at the end they got 2 dresses for like 600 euros because my sister put a limit of 300 per dress. I think maybe I am jealous of her because she is actually better than me, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore or hurting my family anymore.
So I guess I can thank reddit for the hard comments, I have so many issues and so much jealousy about my sister to get over I don’t know where to start. I am beginning to doubt if I am even ready to get married. But if the comments had been full of support I would probably not see it. And of course my family call was really something hard to be in.
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UPDATE 2
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It has been a very interesting time for me and my family. I wanted to share because you -redditors- are brutal but fair. Some told me I am rambling and yes I do so I try my best this time.
My family ­­– After taking some days off work to process it all, my BIL found me a therapist and I started immediately. We have also done group sessions and “couple ones“ aka me and Dad, me and Mom, me and sister. It has helped me see all the issues and we are learning to communicate better as a family so nobody (me) feels unloved or unappreciated ever again. I now know I have a long road ahead but I want to be better. My parents say they just want the best for me and they want me to feel loved. Also, I am moving back home. After high school I moved out because I wanted to do things like my sister but I feel it is the best option so when my parents gave me the option I thought it over and agreed to. Baby steps but good ones.
My sister – She didn’t talk to me at all for about 10 days, and this might sound stupid but it is the longest sge hasn’t communicated with me ever. It hurt me a lot and I knew I hurt her a lot. In our session she showed me a list of many messages people send about me: They were all positive, praising my talents and all. She said we are different but great in out own ways and the reason I usually don’t hear how great I am is because people don’t praise me directly. She also told me most of the time when something happens that my parents know she might give me shit about they simply don’t tell her so I don’t have drama and joked maybe I am the true golden child since they shield me. She is talking to me again and has helped me a lot. Am I still jealous of her? Yes, but I want to transform that into admiration.
My EX – While I know my feelings are mine and I am responsible for them, my Ex did throw gasoline to it. She was always the first to point out anything my sister got that I didn’t, or how much money everybody spent on things, etc. Long story short, we broke up. Long story: I told her I was considering moving back with my parents and maybe getting a Master or something like that. She was not pleased with it and kept asking about the wedding, but I told her I could not think about marriage at this moment and maybe we could also use a break, I also told her I would give her three months to find a place to stay or she could pay rent on the house (my parents own it).
She was very angry, told me I had to marry her and if not at least let her live rent free and cover utilities and food because I was breaking up out of the blue. I told her that was the reason I was giving her three months and she could use her salary since she didn’t use a single cent while we were together. THEN things got weird and bad. She told me she was calling her family, not leaving the house and will sue me for mental distress. I did panicked, she said the same back in the day when I tried breaking up but then convinced me she was the only one that loved me. But this time I called my family and they told me to lock myself out the house and call a friend of my sister’s. He came and told her she can sue, she can do whatever, she is not getting anything and that my offer of the three months was off and he wanted her out ASAP. He took a video with the state of everything and told her if things are damaged I would sue her, turns out my sister told him this might be coming so he got infor from her and was prepared for it and did it as a favor to her since they are kindergarden friends. A couple of my cousins stayed with me until she left days later and her Dad told me I would go to hell. She is still working in the company and will have a job as long as she performs but I have no relation with her at all anymore and haven’t been to the office. YES, THERE IS NEPOTISM AND MY FAMILY HIRES EACH OTHER. But nobody would take away her job because she does an ok job and is always on time. I hope she finds love again, just not with me.
And Me – I am single, at home and most likely unemployed in the next months since my parents say I should focus on myself and my mental health. My BIL has been one of my rocks through this and he truly cares for all my family and we are becoming true friends. My Grandma let me know nobody liked my ex and she is happy we are not together anymore, she says they all started disliking her when she got upset they didn’t get her expensive things for our first christmas. My friends also told me they didn’t like her. Turns out everybody wanted it to end and some said so jokingly over the years but they thought she helped me out and made me happy so they dealt with her. I hope I get better luck in love but I need to be better too. I might take up the offer to start over abroad but I feel more positive. And yes my sister and I are trying to find common ground, she truly is amazing and the more I get to know her and her flaws and weird things like her lemon juice obsession, the more I like her.
At the end speaking my “truth“ got me what I needed and while I was a huige AH now I can admit how privileged I am. Still not perfect, but a little less AH.
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UPDATE 3
Hello my brutal but fair friends. I wanted to give you my final update before but a redditor let me know about a very cruel post mocking me and it sent me into a spiral. I am lucky to feel stronger and want to update you mainly to conclude this chapter of my life and also because I have received a lot of support and kindness and love I feel is just the right thing. I will also try to keep it dtraight.
My Ex ­­– Since I left the company we have not talk much but she became upset when I told her I was not coming back and we will be selling it. My dad made a deal with a friend that every employee that wanted to would get the option to stay at least 3 years and would keep their position and not be demoted. I told her that but she said it was unfair, that people already treat her different and she feels people like her less. I told her I havent say anything but I know people were not crazy about her before and it doesn't surprise me that now that she is not related to any boss they are not putting up with her. We did have a big conversation about my future and it is obvious she was not with me for the right reasons.
My sister ­­– I told her about my posts and she asked to read them. After a little thought I told her my username and she said she wanted to check it out and we can talk about it later. She was very upset people were mean to me but very thankful people called me out because 'I really needed that'. She said her lemon juice thing was not that weird and teased me about it. In getting to know her more I have also been told things like they have lost two babies but I was not told since I didn't seem interested in their life and she was afraid I wouldn't take it well and it broke me. It made me realized my sister is really a human and not myth and she has suffered things I cant even understand and made me really ashamed I was not there for her because I was being selfish and arrogant. Even in the pain she thought of how I would feel because yes my sister does love me. She has assured me she loves me unconditionally but now she is starting to like me again.
My bil and parents ­­– My BIL is an amazing man. I really hope one day I am like him in my own version, I get more and more why he truly deserves to be with my sister and he is full of love and patience. We had a long conversation about them having kids and I told him to please don't think I am an obstacle, he was really moved because he told me they were considering not trying at all until I were better but I know in my heart I would not forgive myself if I prevented them to have babies. My parents told me now that I am making changes in life they would like to spend seasons in Germany and the only reason they didn't before is because they wanted to be close to me. Turns out they wanted to be close to me all along, I just was too stupid to notice.
Me ­­– I am moving to Germany. I decided to just try something new, my sister and bil are helping me with all the paperwork I will be going under an applicant permit and I feel very happy about it. My parents are helping me translate my documents, do everything to make them legal and all. I am applying for a Master degree and will get support from my family, sale of the business and a little job my bil got me. I am just finalizing things and will be moving at the end of the year. My sister owns her own department and she will host me until I find my own. I am already taking German classes and my bil helps me practice too. That is the reason I know without a doubt my Ex is not for me, because when I told her I was moving to Germany her only question was if she could come too and if my parents would be willing to help her out since she doesn't get a wedding now. She has been posting things about how my sister and how she destroyed her life with her schemesz but my sister's friend sent her a notice letting her know we would sue her and she stopped naming her and now it is all passive aggresive posts without my sister's name. I apologized to my sister but she only asked me if I would ever get back with my Ex and when I said no she told me she couldn't care less about what my Ex did.
I am working very hard on my mental health I know it may take months or years to be in a place where I have zero jealousy but I also know it is for the best. I have not started dating again even if some friends suggested it because I want to be a worthy man and I am moving so I see no point. My therapist is amazing and since we do the sessions online it shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes I reevaluate some memories and realize people did like me, did love me, did care about me but I just couldn't see it.
My sister is truly just extraordinary and I couldn't see it because I didnt truly knew her and was so focused about myself. I now know I am also extraordinary in my own way or at least she keeps telling me that and I should stop comparing myself to her or anybody else. I never really appreciated how much my parents thought of me or did for me but now I know my family loves me and we are not perfect and I am not perfect but I will never take them for granted.
I am looking forward for a better future, a better relationship with my family and if I am lucky enough a new nephew or niece.
Thank you for all you have told me and for being the kick I needed to change my life. I am very grateful I came to this site.

I (24M) have been seeing a girl (22) for over a year now, I'll call her Pam. Some background on me, I've already been in 3 long term relationships, I've loved, lost and learnt a lot - all without regrets. I took time after my last relationship and felt happy on my own and avoided getting anywhere close to anyone whilst I was finding myself again. Once I did, I thought: okay, I'm ready to just date around and that's it, nothing big. The first date back on the scene was with Pam, and this was my third date in my life (the first 2 both lead to relationships), we had a great and have been seeing each other ever since. In all this time I've not felt ready to make things official, yet I've only ever been enjoying my time with Pam. It all happened very quickly and I've had in my head for so long that I needed to stay single, clinging to this idea that because I've been in so many relationships, I should avoid them. I've been completely open to her about all this as we've been seeing each other. We went on acting almost as a couple without the label. We were essentially a couple, we both knew this, but I wasn't ready for the full shabang so I didn't do trips away together and limited getting to know her family - all because I know that family ties and holidays are the hardest memories to let go of during a breakup. All this doubt within me, weighing up whether it's me being in my own head, or if it's her not being right for me, left me feeling unsure and anxious. Eventually, she had enough of this and finished things. Rightly so. I knew I deserved it and had been feeling guilty because I wasn't giving her all that I think she deserves, instead I just felt too unsure to commit. Plus, I'm taking an 11 week trip abroad so it made even more sense to be single as committing to a long distance relationship with all this doubt wouldn't be a good time for either of us. We were apart for 3 weeks and we both missed each other, naturally so. Being apart gave me a lot of clarity, I hoped to find this sort of clarity during my trip, she has hoped for this too. During this time away from her, I came across the term relationship anxiety, and I've learnt a little about what it is. I really think this could be what I've been feeling this whole time. I think she's just golden, she's so good for me and I could be good for her. I just didn't know whether deep down I thought she's not right for me for some reason, or whether it is all some sort of commitment fear induced anxiety that's given me these doubtful thoughts. Fast forward to now and we've since seen each other more than a few times post break up and I'm pretty sure I don't want to lose her.
We both want things to work, but don't want to jump into something and repeat what we had. But would waiting til after my 11 week trip be too much? Would we be able to do a short term long distance relationship? Should I take that time to have some freedom to clear my head? I've been lost with this for so long, but our feelings have never been stronger than now. I would appreciate any kind of advice, I hope it all makes sense to someone out there :).
TL;DR I (24M) think I have relationship anxiety but don't want to lose a great girl, yet feel too doubtful to commit just before I move abroad for 11 weeks in January.

Me and my bf are 31 have been together for just over 3 years. We are LDR (one hour driving distance). The first year was great...we had such a strong, instant, connection, but after then my insecurities seeped in to the relationship and it's gone downhill. However the last few weeks were really nice (or so I thought).
One year in, I developed retroactive jealousy after stalking old pictures he was tagged in on FB and seeing a few of him and his ex - they were together for 3 years during college and he was single for like 6-7 years before we met. I got in to a habit of stalking his ex's IG (don't know how I even found it considering he's not following her) and would often ask him details of their relationship. He told me it was never serious, he never introduced her to his parents and it basically ran its course. For some context, when we first started dating he did always tell me he'd never felt the way he does about me about anyone else before. I was never happy with this and continued interrogating him on it. I was obsessed with his previous relationship for a whole year. Also, I do have anger issues and a year in I also became verbally abusive and would call him names etc during arguments. The first time I did it he was really upset and told me to never do it again, but after that point I could not stop. He continued to put up with it and always did a lot for me including weekend trips and coming up to see me every week.
I got in to a habit of starting random arguments with him every week. This really grated on him, he didn't deserve and told me it needed to stop. He was so so patient at first but then it became worse when COVID lockdowns hit and we were hardly able to see each other. He also became verbally abusive towards me. We met up once and were on the verge of a break up, I ended up hitting him as he called me horrible names. We decided to stick at it and get better. That was over a year ago and it hasn't gotten better. We've nearly broken up on many occassions, mostly because I keep starting on him and he feels he is unappreciated, that he keeps doing everything and I don't give anything back in return but just moan.
A close family member of mine died earlier this year...he came up to see me to cheer me up & was tere for me. Then I took it all out on him, he couldn't take it and we stopped talking for a few weeks. Within that time he was liking his female friends' sultry pictures. Then I spoke to him & called him out on this. He told me it meant nothing to him & that he lieks lots of pictures on IG including cars, nature, (this is true), it isnt real life etc. However I wasn't satisfied with this answer especially since this girl is very pretty... so I kept bringing it up over and over and eventually told him to unfollow her which he did. I always remember this period of time as him not supporting me but putting this other girl before me.
February this year, he had booked Paris for my birthday and planned to propose. It got cancelled (COVID) so he moved it over to summer. This also got cancelled because of COVID. He kept telling me he wanted to make it special and knew how I wanted it abroad. Then I got to the point of telling him to just do it here as I wanted him to hurry up and that he's dragging his feet now. At least once a month now I mention the fact that he hasn't proposed. I ask him why and he always tells me because of COVID and me wanting it abroad, when we haven't been able to travel, and because we've not been very good. I'm tired of waiting. However recently he booked a 2 week holiday for us in December and I feel he wanted to propose there. I tend to always start arguments randomly. So this week we've been really good, and he was due to come and see me today. I started on him yesterday , saying everyone else is moving on and we're stagnant, he needs to hurry up etc. He was like yes I know just let me do it. I got angry and carried on then brought the IG girl in to as I normally do (done it like 20 times now ). This frustrated him. This morning I was begging him to come and see me, he told me he didn't feel like it because I'd upset him but he did eventually. Then in the car I kept saying 'you must find her (IG girl) very very attractive to like her pics when you have a gf' He was like no I've told you so many times...I don't give a sh*t about her, she's just a friend and I'm not attracted to her. He got angry, I guess because he felt I was accusing him of cheating and he grabbed me by the wrists and squeezed them both hard so that it hurt…he did it even whilst I started crying.
I have hit him before, on 3 occassions. I got out the car and walked home. My parnets are livid. I asked him why he did that & he asked why I hit him in the past. He laughed and said it wasn't a hit and I'm being dramatic. He keeps denying that he did it! part of me feels I've driven him to this...he's not naturally abusive but I feel I've made him this way. :(
What should I do?
tl;dr me and bf got in to abusive cycle, not sure if we should continue

Me and my bf are 31 have been together for just over 3 years. We are LDR (one hour driving distance). The first year was great...we had such a strong, instant, connection, but after then my insecurities seeped in to the relationship and it's gone downhill. However the last few weeks were really nice (or so I thought).
One year in, I developed retroactive jealousy after stalking old pictures he was tagged in on FB and seeing a few of him and his ex - they were together for 3 years during college and he was single for like 6-7 years before we met. I got in to a habit of stalking his ex's IG (don't know how I even found it considering he's not following her) and would often ask him details of their relationship. He told me it was never serious, he never introduced her to his parents and it basically ran its course. For some context, when we first started dating he did always tell me he'd never felt the way he does about me about anyone else before. I was never happy with this and continued interrogating him on it. I was obsessed with his previous relationship for a whole year. Also, I do have anger issues and a year in I also became verbally abusive and would call him names etc during arguments. The first time I did it he was really upset and told me to never do it again, but after that point I could not stop. He continued to put up with it and always did a lot for me including weekend trips and coming up to see me every week.
I got in to a habit of starting random arguments with him every week. This really grated on him, he didn't deserve and told me it needed to stop. He was so so patient at first but then it became worse when COVID lockdowns hit and we were hardly able to see each other. He also became verbally abusive towards me. We met up once and were on the verge of a break up, I ended up hitting him as he called me horrible names. We decided to stick at it and get better. That was over a year ago and it hasn't gotten better. We've nearly broken up on many occassions, mostly because I keep starting on him and he feels he is unappreciated, that he keeps doing everything and I don't give anything back in return but just moan.
A close family member of mine died earlier this year...he came up to see me to cheer me up & was tere for me. Then I took it all out on him, he couldn't take it and we stopped talking for a few weeks. Within that time he was liking his female friends' sultry pictures. Then I spoke to him & called him out on this. He told me it meant nothing to him & that he lieks lots of pictures on IG including cars, nature, (this is true), it isnt real life etc. However I wasn't satisfied with this answer especially since this girl is very pretty... so I kept bringing it up over and over and eventually told him to unfollow her which he did. I always remember this period of time as him not supporting me but putting this other girl before me.
February this year, he had booked Paris for my birthday and planned to propose. It got cancelled (COVID) so he moved it over to summer. This also got cancelled because of COVID. He kept telling me he wanted to make it special and knew how I wanted it abroad. Then I got to the point of telling him to just do it here as I wanted him to hurry up and that he's dragging his feet now. At least once a month now I mention the fact that he hasn't proposed. I ask him why and he always tells me because of COVID and me wanting it abroad, when we haven't been able to travel, and because we've not been very good. I'm tired of waiting. However recently he booked a 2 week holiday for us in December and I feel he wanted to propose there. I tend to always start arguments randomly. So this week we've been really good, and he was due to come and see me today. I started on him yesterday , saying everyone else is moving on and we're stagnant, he needs to hurry up etc. He was like yes I know just let me do it. I got angry and carried on then brought the IG girl in to as I normally do (done it like 20 times now ). This frustrated him. This morning I was begging him to come and see me, he told me he didn't feel like it because I'd upset him but he did eventually. Then in the car I kept saying 'you must find her (IG girl) very very attractive to like her pics when you have a gf' He was like no I've told you so many times...I don't give a sh*t about her, she's just a friend and I'm not attracted to her. He got angry, I guess because he felt I was accusing him of cheating and he grabbed my hair and pulled it so my head went back and forth 3 times.
I have hit him before, on 3 occassions. I got out the car and walked home. My parnets are livid. I asked him why he did that & he asked why I hit him in the past. He laughed and said it wasn't a hit and I'm being dramatic. He keeps denying that he did it! He also grabbed me by the wrists once during a trip when I was being really difficult - I'd started an argument that week (about IG girl issue again) and I took ages getting ready in the morning so I made us late for lunch & he had to pay $80 for it still. So this isnt the first time. but part of me feels I've driven him to this...he's not naturally abusive but I feel I've made him this way. :(
What should I do?
tl;dr me and bf got in to abusive cycle, not sure if we should continue

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